Weak Once Again

Last night wasn't fun. At all. While I was in Drama, I got a call from my mom. It was clear that she was pissed. She had gotten an email from one of my teachers that said if I didn't get my work in, I wouldn't get my English credits and wouldn't graduate. And while I was trying to calm her down, she got even angrier. She was angry because I wasn't freaking out like she was. I wasn't freaking out because I knew I was going to fix it, and I knew that it would be easy to fix. And she was mad because I wasn't panicking. She hung up on me saying she was going to call my dad. And she did. But thank god, dad was infinitely more calm than she was and he was easier to talk to when I called him to explain. And after talking to both of them, I broke down again. And I felt horrible about it. That is the second time in two weeks that I've cried. I don't know if it's just because it's the end of the year and emotions are running high, or if I really am just that weak. It could be both. All I know is that I can't do that again, because this time, I got caught. My teacher talked to me today in class, and apparently he heard me freaking out in the hallway (I vented to my friend in the hallway by his class after school). Thankfully that was before my fit, but all the same, I was ashamed that he had heard me like that. I hated that I couldn't keep myself calm. So, I know what I have to work on again. I have to keep a lid on my emotions.

Truly In Love

Last night it really hit me how much I love my boyfriend. A lot of it stemmed from the delightful day we'd had. I'd met his family and I got on with them well. His dad was hilarious, and his grandparents were awesome. I don't think things could have got on better. We watched some Sons of Anarchy and after dinner with his grandparents, we went back to his place to watch Gran Torino. I laid on his lap during the movie, and eventually we just laid down on the couch together. The best part about that was how safe I felt. He was holding me tightly and I felt closer than I'd ever felt to him. 
But when he started talking to me on the way home, that's when I felt it. When I heard about where he'd come from, and how bad it was, I wanted to cry. I couldn't imagine him going through that and I didn't want him to ever go through that again. I couldn't imagine him not being mine. And that's how I knew. That's how I knew I'd give long distance a try again. I can't lose him because I gave up. And I won't lose him. I hope. 
We were joking last night and he was kidding around about having a mistress to take care of his sexual needs. This was of course after I threatened that the Washington women had better keep their paws off of him. That's when I told him if he does that, I get to have my own sexual needs filled in that way as well. And he just gave me that look, the no way in hell look. He tried to make the argument that it was different, because he was a man and I was a woman. I said, nope, it was the same. I think I safely warded off any mistresses with that comment. ;)

Senior Trip

I don't know why I signed up to do this. -_- We have a week left to plan literally everything and I don't even know who's going!!!!! This is utter insanity but we're still trying to pull it off. I don't know what I'm going to do if anyone gets in trouble. This is all on my head if anything goes wrong. Well, me and another girl's. I'm starting to get worried, incredibly worried. Well, best foot forward, and here's hoping! 

Lost - Song Lyrics

When there are no words to say 
1 - 1 2# 5 2# 1/5 2# 2
I look for the lyrics to sing
1 - 5 2# 1 2# 1/5 2# -1
My throat is tight with thoughts 
1/-8 - 1/5 1/5 2/6 1/5 -1/4 -2/3
Of words I'm terrified to speak
1/5 - 1/5 2# 2 2# 1 

Coming down like an avalanche
1/-8 - 1/5 3 2 1 5 3 2 -1
Rushing at me like a flood
1/-8 - 1 2# 5 2# 1 2# 2 
We lost ourselves and now
1/5 - 1 5 4# 1 2# 1# 
Our hands are covered in blood
1/3/5 - 3 5 4# 3 2# 1 1#

Three steps forward
1/5 - 3 1 2 -1 
No steps back
1/3/5 -  1/5 1/5 2
We're moving way too fast
1/5 - 5 4# 1 2# 1# 2#
I'm scared to tell you that
5 - 1/5 3 4 2 -1 1

We pushed too far
1/4 - 2 3 2 1
And now I'm not sure
5 - 2 3 2 1 5
I'm losing sight of who I am
3 - 3 5 3 1 2 4 3 1

Coming down like an avalanche
1/-8 - 1/5 3 2 1 5 3 2 -1
Rushing at me like a flood
1/-8 - 1 2# 5 2# 1 2# 2 
We lost ourselves and now
1/5 - 1 5 4# 1 2# 1# 
Our hands are covered in blood
1/3/5 - 3 5 4# 3 2# 1 1#
Time seems too short
1/5 - 3 1 2 -1 
Looming over us like a storm
1/5 - 5 4# 1 2# 1# 2# 1
The future is crackling
1/3/5 - 1/5 1/5 2/6 1/5 1/5 
The lightning won't stop striking
5 - 1/5 3 4 2 -1 1 

I need you to breathe my love
1 - 5 2# 1 2# 1/5 2# -1 1 
For I am still right here
1/3/5 - 1/5 1/5 2/4 2/4 3 1/5
No need for you to fear
1/5 - 1/5 2# 2 2# 1 
I promise not to disappear 
1 - 2 2# 1/5 2# 5 2# 2 1 

Coming down like an avalanche
1/-8 - 1/5 3 2 1 5 3 2 -1
Rushing at me like a flood
1/-8 - 1 2# 5 2# 1 2# 2 
We lost ourselves and now
1/5 - 1 5 4# 1 2# 1# 
Our hands are covered in blood
1/3/5 - 3 5 4# 3 2# 1 1#
Shall we dig through the ice 
1/3/5 - 1/5 1/5 3 2 4 1/5 
Swim through the flood
1/3 - 2 4 3 1
Will we stop before our souls are lost
2 - 2 5 4 3 2 -1 1 2# 2 
And our bodies covered in blood
5 3 2 1 - 5 3 2 1 5 2# 2 1 

Ignore the numbers, they're my indicators for the piano. 
I'll also be adding chords to this, so as I said, this is a work
in progress. The piano and the lyrics are both subject to change
as well. And who knows, maybe when it's done, I'll post
a video of it. Be warned though, I am a terrible singer. lol

Stupid ACT's

The cafeteria was blocked off today at office hours because the gym was being used for the ACT's, and the gym is right across from the cafeteria. And even though I am no longer taking them, they still seem to get in the way. I couldn't play the piano at office hours, even though I'm desperate to finish up one of my songs...Literally desperate. I'm being such a perfectionist, but that's because I want it to sound great. Argh. I was in the auditorium at office hours, just starting to practice, when some people came in. And these people are part of the music crowd at our school and are insanely good. Needless to say, I cleared out before they could hear my song. It's nowhere near ready. And I also just felt awkward. I always feel like I don't fit in with that crowd when I'm around them. So I went back during my free period and they were still there. I hung out awkwardly in the corner for a while, but it became stunningly apparent that they weren't going anywhere soon. So I left. I guess I'll just practice tomorrow. And at least then, I won't have to worry about any awkwardness.

Weak

I hate feeling weak, and most of all, I hate it when I can't fix what I need to fix. This Thursday I did something I'm not proud of. I broke down for a ridiculous reason. It was in drama club and we were doing a tech run through. But the sound cart was "in the way" and it had to be moved. I said that it was a bad idea, and it was. The moment that we moved it, we got intense amounts of feedback through the speakers and I got glared at by everyone in the auditorium. Add on the fact that after that I was told not to mess with the sound, which messed with my mind. For over an hour I was stuck looking at the mess I had created, because I couldn't tell people not to move the cart. I couldn't fix it, and I could only sit there. And I did, I sat there steaming because I felt responsible. Many students and more teachers depend on that technology and it was messed up. In the end, I walked out and went outside. And I broke down. I sat outside in the cold and watched the snow fall because I couldn't handle not being able to fix the sound. I hated not having that control. So I cried. Ridiculous and immature yes, but I don't think I could've helped it. Now, I should have been able to calm down and look at it logically. But I wasn't able to, and for that reason I'm ashamed of what happened. After drama club I got it fixed, but it was hard looking at everyone in the auditorium and trying not to bite heads off. I'm better now, but I've learned from this that I need to make people listen, because otherwise it will just fly over their heads.

And on a happier note, I passed my senior presentation (a self reflection of our high school experience) and I got to hear what people really thought. My friends sent in testimonials that had me wanting to cry, even though I couldn't cry (yes, I'm slightly heartless). My boyfriend gave testimonial that makes me really hopeful for our future, and I was touched by how much he gets me. He understands how important my family is to me. He understands how I made the decision about college, and how I try my best not to hurt anyone I care about. And that meant so much to me. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better man. <3 Lo amo mi novio!

Well

So, I feel like I pushed myself too far in the definite wrong way. My boyfriend and I have been doing very well, but I think we've been moving way too fast. I felt it today more than ever. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow, or maybe Saturday. But it has to happen soon. I need to set boundaries. Not just for my sake, but for the sake of us. If we keep going like we have been, we'll both do something we regret.

Well...If anything, this gives me good songwriting material. I'll need to run out of Physics tomorrow if I want any hope of snagging the piano in the lunchroom. I suck at piano, but this song definitely needs it, even if it just gives me a basic melody.