Weak

I hate feeling weak, and most of all, I hate it when I can't fix what I need to fix. This Thursday I did something I'm not proud of. I broke down for a ridiculous reason. It was in drama club and we were doing a tech run through. But the sound cart was "in the way" and it had to be moved. I said that it was a bad idea, and it was. The moment that we moved it, we got intense amounts of feedback through the speakers and I got glared at by everyone in the auditorium. Add on the fact that after that I was told not to mess with the sound, which messed with my mind. For over an hour I was stuck looking at the mess I had created, because I couldn't tell people not to move the cart. I couldn't fix it, and I could only sit there. And I did, I sat there steaming because I felt responsible. Many students and more teachers depend on that technology and it was messed up. In the end, I walked out and went outside. And I broke down. I sat outside in the cold and watched the snow fall because I couldn't handle not being able to fix the sound. I hated not having that control. So I cried. Ridiculous and immature yes, but I don't think I could've helped it. Now, I should have been able to calm down and look at it logically. But I wasn't able to, and for that reason I'm ashamed of what happened. After drama club I got it fixed, but it was hard looking at everyone in the auditorium and trying not to bite heads off. I'm better now, but I've learned from this that I need to make people listen, because otherwise it will just fly over their heads.

And on a happier note, I passed my senior presentation (a self reflection of our high school experience) and I got to hear what people really thought. My friends sent in testimonials that had me wanting to cry, even though I couldn't cry (yes, I'm slightly heartless). My boyfriend gave testimonial that makes me really hopeful for our future, and I was touched by how much he gets me. He understands how important my family is to me. He understands how I made the decision about college, and how I try my best not to hurt anyone I care about. And that meant so much to me. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better man. <3 Lo amo mi novio!