Airy Fairy and Old Magic

So... I finally see what my mom was talking about. My stepmom puts all her faith in the higher beings, which I understand to a point, but she doesn't trust her own power, or the magic you can get from just the earth. She has no faith in the old ways, in runes, in working magic with nothing but the blade in your hand and the earth around you. As we were walking around setting up barriers to protect the house, I was frustrated because she didn't know how to tap into her own magic potential, she was relying on everything else to do the work. She doesn't realize what she could do if she just listened. Listened to the earth, and to some(not all) of the old ways. I guess my magic just comes from a different source. If it works for her, I have no right to interfere. But she can't expect it to work for me, and she can't force me to work with it if I can't link to it. I guess that I'll need to forge my own path, and make her see how different it is, but also how it works for me. That's the only way to make her see my side.

Graduated and Done

So I'm graduated now, and done with high school forever! Yay! But I'm still sticking close to home for college. There is a great deal that I have yet to learn about my hometown, and I'm excited to do so. I'll be rediscovering everything I've know at Metro in the fall, and I am eagerly awaiting August 19th. I made it to the end, and I'm thankful for all the support my family and friends have given me. 

And...
I never have to talk to anyone from my high school again unless I damn well feel like it. And that's a nice feeling. I'm not obligated anymore and it feels soooo good. There will still be a few people that I will talk to, but for the most part...until the reunion, I won't even see 98% of them. And I'm 100% okay with that. I don't have to play nice with the people that have hurt me or with the people I just don't trust. The others that I don't really know, well, I guess I just won't know them now.

WEBSITE

Hey guys! 
Could you take the time to take a look at my new website! It's for my photos.
Thanks!

http://alias132.wix.com/aliasforart

Why Do I Do This To Myself

I am clearly horrible at composing piano melodies, yet I keep trying. -_- I should just stick to what I know, stick to guitar...Yes, that sounds great. I love my guitar. :D It's my baby. 


Addition to the original post...
I hate feeling awkward. And awkward is just how I feel when I know someone can hear me play. Especially when I suck at it. I guess I just hate it because I'm really self conscious. But I do think I got slightly better afterwards, because I looked up some things on how to create a melody and what to include. I have this obsessive need to have people approve of me, because I hate offending/hurting/paining people. With my thoughts or otherwise(i.e. music). I hope it gets better. I'm going to mainly focus on guitar for Lost though. I'm do better at guitar than I do at piano. 

Weak Once Again

Last night wasn't fun. At all. While I was in Drama, I got a call from my mom. It was clear that she was pissed. She had gotten an email from one of my teachers that said if I didn't get my work in, I wouldn't get my English credits and wouldn't graduate. And while I was trying to calm her down, she got even angrier. She was angry because I wasn't freaking out like she was. I wasn't freaking out because I knew I was going to fix it, and I knew that it would be easy to fix. And she was mad because I wasn't panicking. She hung up on me saying she was going to call my dad. And she did. But thank god, dad was infinitely more calm than she was and he was easier to talk to when I called him to explain. And after talking to both of them, I broke down again. And I felt horrible about it. That is the second time in two weeks that I've cried. I don't know if it's just because it's the end of the year and emotions are running high, or if I really am just that weak. It could be both. All I know is that I can't do that again, because this time, I got caught. My teacher talked to me today in class, and apparently he heard me freaking out in the hallway (I vented to my friend in the hallway by his class after school). Thankfully that was before my fit, but all the same, I was ashamed that he had heard me like that. I hated that I couldn't keep myself calm. So, I know what I have to work on again. I have to keep a lid on my emotions.

Truly In Love

Last night it really hit me how much I love my boyfriend. A lot of it stemmed from the delightful day we'd had. I'd met his family and I got on with them well. His dad was hilarious, and his grandparents were awesome. I don't think things could have got on better. We watched some Sons of Anarchy and after dinner with his grandparents, we went back to his place to watch Gran Torino. I laid on his lap during the movie, and eventually we just laid down on the couch together. The best part about that was how safe I felt. He was holding me tightly and I felt closer than I'd ever felt to him. 
But when he started talking to me on the way home, that's when I felt it. When I heard about where he'd come from, and how bad it was, I wanted to cry. I couldn't imagine him going through that and I didn't want him to ever go through that again. I couldn't imagine him not being mine. And that's how I knew. That's how I knew I'd give long distance a try again. I can't lose him because I gave up. And I won't lose him. I hope. 
We were joking last night and he was kidding around about having a mistress to take care of his sexual needs. This was of course after I threatened that the Washington women had better keep their paws off of him. That's when I told him if he does that, I get to have my own sexual needs filled in that way as well. And he just gave me that look, the no way in hell look. He tried to make the argument that it was different, because he was a man and I was a woman. I said, nope, it was the same. I think I safely warded off any mistresses with that comment. ;)

Senior Trip

I don't know why I signed up to do this. -_- We have a week left to plan literally everything and I don't even know who's going!!!!! This is utter insanity but we're still trying to pull it off. I don't know what I'm going to do if anyone gets in trouble. This is all on my head if anything goes wrong. Well, me and another girl's. I'm starting to get worried, incredibly worried. Well, best foot forward, and here's hoping! 

Lost - Song Lyrics

When there are no words to say 
1 - 1 2# 5 2# 1/5 2# 2
I look for the lyrics to sing
1 - 5 2# 1 2# 1/5 2# -1
My throat is tight with thoughts 
1/-8 - 1/5 1/5 2/6 1/5 -1/4 -2/3
Of words I'm terrified to speak
1/5 - 1/5 2# 2 2# 1 

Coming down like an avalanche
1/-8 - 1/5 3 2 1 5 3 2 -1
Rushing at me like a flood
1/-8 - 1 2# 5 2# 1 2# 2 
We lost ourselves and now
1/5 - 1 5 4# 1 2# 1# 
Our hands are covered in blood
1/3/5 - 3 5 4# 3 2# 1 1#

Three steps forward
1/5 - 3 1 2 -1 
No steps back
1/3/5 -  1/5 1/5 2
We're moving way too fast
1/5 - 5 4# 1 2# 1# 2#
I'm scared to tell you that
5 - 1/5 3 4 2 -1 1

We pushed too far
1/4 - 2 3 2 1
And now I'm not sure
5 - 2 3 2 1 5
I'm losing sight of who I am
3 - 3 5 3 1 2 4 3 1

Coming down like an avalanche
1/-8 - 1/5 3 2 1 5 3 2 -1
Rushing at me like a flood
1/-8 - 1 2# 5 2# 1 2# 2 
We lost ourselves and now
1/5 - 1 5 4# 1 2# 1# 
Our hands are covered in blood
1/3/5 - 3 5 4# 3 2# 1 1#
Time seems too short
1/5 - 3 1 2 -1 
Looming over us like a storm
1/5 - 5 4# 1 2# 1# 2# 1
The future is crackling
1/3/5 - 1/5 1/5 2/6 1/5 1/5 
The lightning won't stop striking
5 - 1/5 3 4 2 -1 1 

I need you to breathe my love
1 - 5 2# 1 2# 1/5 2# -1 1 
For I am still right here
1/3/5 - 1/5 1/5 2/4 2/4 3 1/5
No need for you to fear
1/5 - 1/5 2# 2 2# 1 
I promise not to disappear 
1 - 2 2# 1/5 2# 5 2# 2 1 

Coming down like an avalanche
1/-8 - 1/5 3 2 1 5 3 2 -1
Rushing at me like a flood
1/-8 - 1 2# 5 2# 1 2# 2 
We lost ourselves and now
1/5 - 1 5 4# 1 2# 1# 
Our hands are covered in blood
1/3/5 - 3 5 4# 3 2# 1 1#
Shall we dig through the ice 
1/3/5 - 1/5 1/5 3 2 4 1/5 
Swim through the flood
1/3 - 2 4 3 1
Will we stop before our souls are lost
2 - 2 5 4 3 2 -1 1 2# 2 
And our bodies covered in blood
5 3 2 1 - 5 3 2 1 5 2# 2 1 

Ignore the numbers, they're my indicators for the piano. 
I'll also be adding chords to this, so as I said, this is a work
in progress. The piano and the lyrics are both subject to change
as well. And who knows, maybe when it's done, I'll post
a video of it. Be warned though, I am a terrible singer. lol

Stupid ACT's

The cafeteria was blocked off today at office hours because the gym was being used for the ACT's, and the gym is right across from the cafeteria. And even though I am no longer taking them, they still seem to get in the way. I couldn't play the piano at office hours, even though I'm desperate to finish up one of my songs...Literally desperate. I'm being such a perfectionist, but that's because I want it to sound great. Argh. I was in the auditorium at office hours, just starting to practice, when some people came in. And these people are part of the music crowd at our school and are insanely good. Needless to say, I cleared out before they could hear my song. It's nowhere near ready. And I also just felt awkward. I always feel like I don't fit in with that crowd when I'm around them. So I went back during my free period and they were still there. I hung out awkwardly in the corner for a while, but it became stunningly apparent that they weren't going anywhere soon. So I left. I guess I'll just practice tomorrow. And at least then, I won't have to worry about any awkwardness.

Weak

I hate feeling weak, and most of all, I hate it when I can't fix what I need to fix. This Thursday I did something I'm not proud of. I broke down for a ridiculous reason. It was in drama club and we were doing a tech run through. But the sound cart was "in the way" and it had to be moved. I said that it was a bad idea, and it was. The moment that we moved it, we got intense amounts of feedback through the speakers and I got glared at by everyone in the auditorium. Add on the fact that after that I was told not to mess with the sound, which messed with my mind. For over an hour I was stuck looking at the mess I had created, because I couldn't tell people not to move the cart. I couldn't fix it, and I could only sit there. And I did, I sat there steaming because I felt responsible. Many students and more teachers depend on that technology and it was messed up. In the end, I walked out and went outside. And I broke down. I sat outside in the cold and watched the snow fall because I couldn't handle not being able to fix the sound. I hated not having that control. So I cried. Ridiculous and immature yes, but I don't think I could've helped it. Now, I should have been able to calm down and look at it logically. But I wasn't able to, and for that reason I'm ashamed of what happened. After drama club I got it fixed, but it was hard looking at everyone in the auditorium and trying not to bite heads off. I'm better now, but I've learned from this that I need to make people listen, because otherwise it will just fly over their heads.

And on a happier note, I passed my senior presentation (a self reflection of our high school experience) and I got to hear what people really thought. My friends sent in testimonials that had me wanting to cry, even though I couldn't cry (yes, I'm slightly heartless). My boyfriend gave testimonial that makes me really hopeful for our future, and I was touched by how much he gets me. He understands how important my family is to me. He understands how I made the decision about college, and how I try my best not to hurt anyone I care about. And that meant so much to me. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better man. <3 Lo amo mi novio!

Well

So, I feel like I pushed myself too far in the definite wrong way. My boyfriend and I have been doing very well, but I think we've been moving way too fast. I felt it today more than ever. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow, or maybe Saturday. But it has to happen soon. I need to set boundaries. Not just for my sake, but for the sake of us. If we keep going like we have been, we'll both do something we regret.

Well...If anything, this gives me good songwriting material. I'll need to run out of Physics tomorrow if I want any hope of snagging the piano in the lunchroom. I suck at piano, but this song definitely needs it, even if it just gives me a basic melody.

City Championships Looming

City championships for debate are looming! And I'm completely terrified. I remember last year, and now this? I have no idea what to expect. Sadly. D: All I can do is hope and work at it. It's my last tournament of my high school career. That in and of itself makes me incredibly sad. I hate to think that it will be over so soon. Yet I know that even if it doesn't last, I'll still have college debate. And no matter what, I'll still have my argumentative personality. Now here's a random pic that I took a while back! I just kidnapped this picture off my twitter! 
Look at the random orb! It's a ghost! ^_^ Kidding. Maybe...Hm. 

Lyrics - Riptide

Riptide

Pull me out to sea

Drag me under with your eyes

Make me forget the time

Take me away

You're like a riptide, riptide

Pulling me out to sea

Riptide, riptide

Don’t ever let me be

The world is always turning

It won’t stop for us

All we can do is run

Let’s run from the chaos

You're like a riptide, riptide

Pulling me out to sea

Riptide, riptide

Don’t ever let me be

Take me away from what I’ve known

Show me the world anew

So even if the world falls down

At least I’ll be with you

You're like a riptide, riptide

Pulling me out to sea

Riptide, riptide

Don’t ever let me be

Pull me out to sea 

Let me know what you think!

Delight and Happiness, But Tainted Slightly

This relates to a variety of things. First of all, I have a boyfriend now. And he's so sweet and a perfect gentleman. We went on our first date last Saturday, and that is definitely the best date I've ever been on. 
He'd called the night before, but I couldn't really understand what he was saying, so I just agreed. So, he shows up the next morning dressed all fancy and I was in a shirt and jeans. Understatement, I was under dressed. So I went and changed really ninja fast into a dress and heels. After that, he drove me to a ballroom where he was part of a showcase that his studio was doing. He did three dances that I saw and was amazing in all of them. But that's not the best part. In between difference dances, there were times called general dance. And we danced every single time. It was so sweet and amazingly romantic. I learned basic steps for Rumba, Cha-Cha, Merengue, Foxtrot, Salsa, Swing, West Coast Swing, and Tango. My favorites were Merengue, Foxtrot, and Salsa. And suffice it to say, I suck at Rumba and Tango. Although his dance partner said I was good at picking up steps. And from as great a dancer as her, that says a lot. I was happy to hear that from her. It gives me hope that he wasn't just saying that to make me feel better. :) 
And after that he took me to burgers and I found out a lot about him. Like for instance, he has a similar family background. Like with my uncle and everything. I'll get into that another time though. Maybe. 
And you know that saying, never kiss on a first date? It's bull. It's something you should definitely do. And he did kiss me! I was so so happy and I could not stop smiling all night. 
And then during the week, we started getting closer. And even though our friends wouldn't stop teasing, he still stayed close and asked me if I wanted to be official. And I definitely, definitely said yes. We're going out to a movie tomorrow and I even more excited than I was for the first one. 
So yes, my life is going great and my boyfriend is fantastic. 

Schools good, although I'm getting increasingly worried about graduation. But I know that what will be will be. And I'm still hoping for Berea for college. I had my phone interview on Wednesday, and I think it went really well. Fingers crossed. 

Debate worries me, my partner keeps stressing and it's starting to stress me out. 

My friends, or rather, my used to be friends keep hanging around. After what happened in January, I just sort of lost it and I don't trust her anymore. And I can't keep treating her like everything is normal with us, because it's not. And I'm not sure if I posted about that, but to sum up that horrible time in January, a friend of mine threatened to kill herself and I called the police. And the next day, she texted this friend and told her to call the police. And she didn't call, she didn't even ask. She called a discussion group with some of my friend's other friends. Thankfully it was just a miss up, an error in typing. But what if it wasn't? What if she'd actually needed the police? Something could have happened. So yeah, I don't trust her so much anymore. And I don't really want to talk to her anymore. I don't feel like I can. 

So in this world of ups and downs, it's nice to know that there are still jackalopes around.  

Random Picture

This is on my twitter as well, and I just felt like posting it. This is one of my favorite pictures that I've taken. My twitter is @hiddenfae if you're interested.

Exhaustion

Well, in the grand scheme of things I have been really tired as of recent. I could blame it on a variety of things, such as my tendency to only get five hours of sleep a night, my school work load from senior year, and ever increasing stress from not just school, but friends, clubs, and all manner of social interactions. I fell asleep at 7 last night, a phenomenon that has only happened a handful of times since middle school. Craziness. 

And where life has been chaotic, it's also been good. I've been making more of an effort to learn Spanish, and my friend has been learning Portuguese. We're each others motivation! I have an idea for a new Passage, but I'd have to talk to someone I don't know that well. And that's the only thing that would make me nervous. A student at my school is constantly on the piano and I find myself finding any reason to listen to them that I can get. They're amazing. 

I've been working on a new song of my own, and it's going to be the first one that I'll be putting music to. Piano and guitar to be exact. The piano was inspired, and the guitar is really just for me. I started playing over winter break and I've been loving it. Playing guitar has been a good stress relief for me and I just enjoy playing. I hate feeling like I'm jumping on a bandwagon, but my mom pointed out something last night. She asked if I was going to give up everything I loved because someone else was doing it too. And when she put it like that, I decided no. If I were to do that, I'd be giving up everything I cared about in my entire life. So I'll just do what makes me happy. 

My love life is dead, as always. But I don't really care. I'm holding out for college. Hopefully. I mean, if my crush is suddenly interested, then I might make an exception. But as he was out to lunch with another girl, I think it's unlikely. Meh, that's why I always have more than one crush. ;) And to be honest, I like the other crush a little better. I can really talk to him, which is rare for me. 

And one more thing...

I'm 18! 

It's a landmark in my life, supposedly. I haven't noticed much of a difference though.