Birthday

It is now my birthday, and I am 17! Not too much has changed in the past week besides my age. I'm still fading into the background, and being ignored by my friend. It's just annoying now. I am so close to just going up to her, and demanding answers. As much as I don't want to lose her, being ignored for this long hurts. But back to happy thoughts. 

I've been really getting back to one of my original love's. HORSES! I started watching Heartland, and not only am I in love with that show now, but it made me remember why I liked horses so much. This revived my dream of having horses, and living on a ranch. But it wasn't just the show, it was when I was up in Gunnison. When I was up there, it was so open. Peaceful. I guess that's just the feel I get from ranches, and horses. And that's really what I crave. To be somewhere where I don't need to feel stressed or rushed or where things are neverendingly chaotic. It's just slightly upsetting to think that chaos is how most people live, how I live most of the time. Some people never take the time to be surrounded by grass, and just lay in the silence. But when you do, it's the best feeling ever.

Deadlines

I dislike deadlines. For one, they're final. Deadlines strike a sense of dread into a person. It has you rushing or double checking, sometimes both. It has you making sure of the details, is this sentence okay, is that conclusion supported? Yeah... deadlines why u end so suddenly? I've been taking a leaf from lolcats lately. Just because some of them make me laugh. 

I think laughing is vital to the soul. It lightens us, makes us feel like we matter, like we can do anything. Well, that's what happiness does, and that's what I need to work on. Serious is okay at times, but when one is serious, no one knows when they're joking. -_- That's what I've been running into. Serious sets one apart, it makes it stuffy. It reminds me of Simon from Firefly.

Kaylee- Being polite don't mean nothing out here in the black.

Simon- No, it matters more out here. When I'm polite, it shows that I respect you. That I like you.

Yes, I am that much of a dork. I love the Firefly series. I have the song "Hero of Canton" memorized except for 3 lines. Jaynestown is one of the most hilarious episodes on that show. When I first saw it, I was rolling on the floor in laughter. And even though polite isn't necessarily stuffy, I feel that they are close cousins. The question is, is it so bad to take life seriously, or at least less flippantly? I don't know. I see people goofing off, and it makes me smile. But that can't be me, because I have things to do. Then again, doesn't everyone? So why does it seem like some people have more to do. I'm not sure. Life is sure confusing isn't it.

Sinking

Lately with my friends I've been feeling that my opinion is sinking further into the background. They tell me I should socialize, but then when I want to say something, they don't listen. For gods sake, I said I was going to be a nun, that I was running away to Switzerland, and that I was really a boy. No reaction. None at all. I just thought that was sad. I mean, if no one listens, how do you make them? And if you do make them listen, is that right? Wouldn't it just be better to be silent than to force others to hear you? Such is my internal dilemma as of late. 

My story writing is going downhill. That doesn't mean I'm out of ideas, it just means that I'm not writing. I get so caught up in other things that writing seems like the last thing on my mind. Behind family, friends, boyfriend, homework, and relaxing, plus lack of sleep, I just can't seem to put aside time to write. It's crazy but true. Normally I write, or if I'm slack on time, I draw. But I haven't been drawing lately either. I have no clue what's happening, but it's making me nuts. I kind of need to write, and when I'm not able to, I lose it a little. This blog kind of counts, and it takes some of the nutty away, but not all of it. It's enough to keep my sanity anyway.

Sigh of Relief, Which I'm Having a Ton of Lately.

She's talking to me again! As I said, I'm so relieved. I really was upset at her rejection, of both me and my choice. It took two and a half days before she got over it. But now that she is, I'm joyous. I was just stressed about it, because she really is one of my best friends. She's dragged me out of my shell, and because of her, I became more social. If I was left on my own, I have no doubt that I would still be a book nerd. I've formed an attachment to her, which can be dangerous for me. And I know it too. Yesterday when I came home, Mom asked me what happened. I tried to keep it vague, because I knew that if I went into details, I would either end up screaming or crying. Fortunately, I ended up crying. I guess that's what connections like that do, they cause you pain. I was so hurt that she hadn't supported me like I had done for her. So now that we're talking again, I am going to try my hardest not to argue about Zeek. He's my boyfriend, and she'll just have to deal with that. I'm so happy not to be getting the cold shoulder anymore though. I don't think I would've been able to survive the rest of high school without her... socially anyway. :) 

But I now have a new goal: DON'T FORGE STRONG CONNECTIONS TO PEOPLE!!! 

It just leads to too much pain. With the exception of my family. And Zeek. And Braunwyn. They're already too close for me to be able to push them away. Even so, a little part of me is laughing and saying,

"Good luck with that." 

Well, it's a hope. I just don't want to feel pain like that again. 

There's an internship opportunity at Denver Health that I'm hoping to try and get. I figure I should try to work with the living before I head for the dead. That way I know if I'm missing anything. A well informed decision is a good decision. I think... Oh well. Here's to hope!

Brrrr...Do You Feel a Chill?

So, you know my friend? The one I mentioned in the previous post... She's giving me the cold shoulder. She barely talks to me anymore. And I still just don't get it, I really don't. The last guy I tried to date was a jackass, and she let me do it, even when she knew he was a jackass. She doesn't know this guy, and now she's suddenly so opposed? It seems hypocritical to me. 

We just had a visitor in our AP Literature class, and I think this was the first class I wasn't bored in! I had a lot of fun. The discussions mainly centered on masculine and feminine, and how it was defined over time. The entire basis for this was 'The Taming of the Shrew', which is a play that our class is going to go see. And now, I am really looking forward to the play. Either way, I just love acting, so it should be fun to see. 

And I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and pull myself up by my bootstraps. Every second I spend worrying, or wondering, or even thinking about the drama with my friend, I'm losing myself. I need to find myself again, and maybe this is the time for it.

Wow

As a statement of my disappointment, yeah. Wow. So I'm kind of disappointed in one of my friends. Maybe disappointed isn't the right word. Betrayed...That sounds better. Or maybe hypocrisy. I finally have a boyfriend, and I really like him. I don't even care that he lives in DC. I like him, he likes me. That's enough for me. But somehow, my friend, she says it isn't enough. She is essentially angry that I chose a guy that I liked, who happened to be in another state. I guess I am just disappointed. I've tried to support her in everything, boyfriends, school, and other friends. And the fact that she doesn't support me on one of the major things in my life right now, it upsets me. Even when I thought some of her boyfriends were bad ideas, I supported her the best I could. Because unless they were abusing her, it was her deal. Even though I didn't like it, I found ways to be supportive and happy for her. I'm hurt that she can't do the same for me, and that she's angry at me for liking who I like. I think I'm hurt, because I don't think it's fair. The most supportive people have been people who I haven't had strong connections with, with the exceptions of my mom, my aunt Kim, and another one of my friends (I haven't talked to my Dad or step mom yet.). And that hurts. She's one of my best friends and she's lost so many people this year. I don't want to leave her like others have. But maybe I need to avoid the relationships section of small talk. If that's the only way to save the friendship and my feelings at the same time. This is a different kind of pain than I experienced with my clubs dilemma and I have no idea how to tackle this problem. Can I even fix it? I don't know... But I have to try.

Life As It Goes

I'm just going to give a summary of everything right now, just because I feel the need. There are many different things going on in my life, not as bad as other people have experienced, but I still feel like something is going to happen, and I'll be tossed to the wolves. Things are just too good right now, so I know that things will crash. 

As stated in my previous post, I have a boyfriend!!! I met him over the summer in China, and apparently, he liked me then. Here's the catch about the summer though, if I haven't mentioned it already. While we were in China, some and most of the people he talked to said that I was only hanging out with him because I felt sorry for him. And do you know what that is, THAT'S A LIE! When I heard about that, the first thing that went through my mind was, "Bitch say what?", which is pretty extreme for me. I was just so taken aback that anyone would think like that of me, especially when I felt the total opposite. Over the summer, I really liked Zeek, but I stayed back because I thought he had a girlfriend (which I think I've mentioned before) and because I didn't want to be the reason for another girl's heartbreak. So yeah. And now, he's my boyfriend. We were IM'ing on Facebook for about a week, and we talked about a lot. Mostly just friend type stuff. Then I found out that he didn't have a girlfriend, he just lied and said that he did to get the guys from the trip to stop trying to set him up with someone. Then I found out that he liked me from a story he sent me. So then I sent him some of my stories, and said as much in one story that I liked him. So we were able to establish that we liked each other. Then he asked me out in a way that was so sweet. We were playing would you rather, and in his final question he said,

"Would u rather live your life the way it is or would u rather be my girlfirend ( Yes I am asking)"

So yeah. That was that. Needless to say, I said yes! And I am so happy! A guy really likes me and I really like him, and yes, we're dating! So I am happy about that! 

But yes, as many people have said, he lives in another state. He's in Washington, DC. So this is a long distance relationship. And with that comes a lot of worries. First there is the very scary statistic, 95% of long distance relationships don't work. Second, there is the distance. Anything can happen because of that distance, so to be honest, I am slightly worried. Not just because of the distance, but because I googled his name (And this isn't just me, he also googled my name before I googled his) and I found a profile that said, as a self proclamation, that he was a player. But that profile was made and last accessed in 2007, which is five years ago. He was eleven, and a lot can change in five years. And that is what I'm banking on. 

Back to the non green eyed monster stuff, I can't wait to get back to school. I want to know what people say, especially when I see them in person. Also in school, I get to get back to my friends. Over the long weekend, I have been extraordinarily out of touch. So I can't wait to get back and see them.

In February, I'll be going to my first...Well I don't know what to call it. Some people I know have a band, and that band is preforming at the Gothic theater. All I know is that I actually want to attend one of these performances before my senior year. So that will be fun. I also want to see what type of music they play. So yeah.

The chaos in my house is FINALLY OVER!!!! Here is what happened, in a nutshell. My sister said she hated my mom, which led to a full 36 hours of silence between the two unless it was necessary. Not only that, but the levels of tension were so high in the house, that I think you could cut the air with a spork. And not to make this about me, but this is the only place I can make this about me. I had to float around both my mom and my sister, and try to keep everything from blowing up. It was exhausting playing the peacemaker, and when the conflict was over, I nearly cried with relief. The storm had passed.

Or has it...

A tarot reading that my step mom did definitely foretold chaos this year. A lot of relationship stuff too, which also worries me a bit. So maybe the storm is still here, and I'm just in the eye of it. I hope not, but I can't help but wonder. 

Will things start flying again? Will chaos decide that my life is it's playground?

Like I said though, I hope to god not.

And wow...I can't help but notice that I'm beginning to sound EXTREMELY self centered... I must fix that. Because I really hate sounding self centered.                                                   

To Start

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah...That really kind of sums up everything right now. Oh wells. :)

Relief and a Melting Heart

So Zeek isn't mad at me!!!!! There is so much yay-ing and relief in that sentence that I can't even begin to describe. And guess what?

We have both been able to establish a fact that is true for both of us. 

We both like each other!

See, I wrote a story, with him as the basis for a character, and there was a romance scene, and he read it, and he said that he likes me too!!!!!! 

His response was:

there is something about you thats really enchanting

i cant explain it but everytime i talk to you i feel im being pulled in closer to you

 

Isn't that just so sweet!!!!!! 

Every single time I talk to him, I find reasons to smile!!!!! And now I think there is a really good chance that we could have a relationship!!! And that is just what I am hoping for! I really like, maybe even love this guy, and he feels the same way! If this is going the way I think it is, I might have a boyfriend soon! I hope hope hope so!!! I like Zeek so so much and I really hope he does ask me out! 

So yeah, my relief is total...And my heart is melting.

I have officially lost my heart to a guy. Zeek. <3

Honesty Screwed Me Over

So, I told the guy I liked about the guy my friends are trying to set me up with. And... He shut down. He wouldn't talk to me. So the one guy I really do like, he's not talking to me. For gods sake I was looking up flights to DC so I might be able to see him this summer. And now, I'm not sure. I really really like this guy, but I don't know if he'll talk to me. And that stings. It really does. Things were going so well yesterday, and even the day before. But today, I'll be lucky if he doesn't start thinking like those girls from the APSA trip wanted him to. They wanted him to think that I was shallow and that I was playing him (even though I thought he was playing me). I'm not like that. I just wish Zeek would realize that I like him. I practically told him FLAT OUT! But now I'm just hoping he talks to me again... God, have I really lost my heart to him this much! That I wouldn't be angry at this, just sad. Yes, yes I have. I'm sad that he's not talking to me. If he just talks to me again...I think I'd just be relieved. I miss him already.

Useless

I hate feeling like this. It's just the feeling that I can't do anything. One of my friends is being bullied, and I feel useless. Everyone says to let her deal with it. But I don't know if she can. This stuff that's being thrown at her, it's grade school level. It's stuff she should be able to brush off, but she can't. She's gone through too much crap in her life that every little thing that happens has the ability to push her that much closer to breaking. I don't want to see her break. Braunwyn says that all I can do is support her, but I'm not sure that's enough. She's gone through so much already. I just wish I could do more.

God Hates Me...Doesn't He?

So, as a recap of the past two days, I feel then need to refer to the title of this post. God must hate me. Either that or he's bored. See, I've had this crush for a couple of years now on one of the guys in my grade. But guess what, I had no spine. Metaphorically anyway. So I have avoided him mostly, because I would've just stared at my shoes. However, with my new years resolution, the one where I don't hide who I am anymore, I kinda feel more confident. I also said I'd grow a spine, which I am working on. So here's where God's boredom comes in.

Well, since it's a new quarter, people get new seats. In math, I narrowly avoided being put with my crush, and even so, he's close to where I sit. So I was safe. Then, I headed to AP World history, in which we were also getting new seats. And guess what? I'm at a table with my crush. I was just looking at that and thinking "Really?". My friend was laughing her butt off, and I swear she somehow caused this. But she says she didn't. So that was awkward.

Then I had a day of peace.

And now he's bored again, because in Passages class we were put into groups, and guess who was in my group? You guessed it, my crush! I actually had a good time talking to him, and we share some ideas, so I wasn't quite dead in the water. It was actually nice.

So yeah, he hates me and he's bored, but I think I'm actually thankful for it. Thanks to "fate", I'm making progress.

Wait till Braunwyn hears about today. She will crack up. :)

Hello New Year!!!

My grandparents took me up to Gunnison! I was so happy because it’s been ages since I’ve seen everyone. And, of course, there was a new baby! Aunt Kim and Uncle Paul now have a son named William and he is adorable. He looks practically elfin. Then, da da da daaaaaaa... My cousins Sara and Hannah took me to a dance and I had so much fun! It was mainly country music, which I had to adapt to, but after I got the beat, it was amazing. It was so awkward at first, me trying to fit in, but then I was just myself, and people began to accept me some. I didn’t make any totally lasting friends, but fun was had. I was also taught swing dance by a guy named Eli, who Sarah set me up with. HAWKWARD! But once I got the steps down, I enjoyed it. Plus, it was the only time I’d danced with a guy all night, which made it all the better. All in all, it was fantastic, and I am so glad I went. I was also just so happy to be there. :) 

P.S. Research country music!!!