Sing

Last night I hung out in the yurt with my Dad and Laura, and their friend the Bobowskis(I hope I spelled that right). And it was just amazing. We had pizza, hot cocoa, and cider. But the best part of it was that everyone was breaking out the instruments and everyone was singing! Me included! Now normally I try not to sing when people are around, because mom and rhi both say my voice isn't that good. So I sang behind closed doors. Until last night when I sang with everyone else. And people told me my voice was good! People including Dad, Laura, and even one of the Bobowskis!So besides complete confuzzlement, I'm totally happy. I do love to sing, and that gave me enough courage to sing with others. So yeah, that's my current happy moment. Another to come soon though!

I Can't Believe I'm Doing This To Myself

So over the summer I had a crush on one of the boys from the APSA trip, but he was a player. He also had a girlfriend back home. So I never tried anything. We still hung out, but I kept it as strict to friends as I could. And last night we IM'd on facebook for a about an hour, then we went onto skype, and talked for another two hours. Last night I realized I still like him. But guess what? He still has a girlfriend! So once again, I'm going to keep it at friends. Plus, Zeek is all the way in Washington, DC. Chances are I won't see him again. So, yeah. Friends.    
            
I can't believe I fell for him again...

Holidays

I'm up in Estes Park for the holidays, and this is really my major decompression time. Up here, I can let go of anything. Then I can go back to the city and live happier. Not to mention which, just having a little time to be myself is so important, especially when I tend to suppress it. I think that will be my new years resolution. To learn to be myself and to be confident. This is because if I can be myself up here, then why shouldn't I be able to be myself down in Denver. So, that's my personal revelation. 

Christmas this year has been just amazing. I got to spend time with my cousin and my aunt and uncle. I got to spend time with another aunt and my grandparents, and I got to spend time with my grandma and uncles and one of my uncle's girlfriends. And on Saturday, I might get to go up and see my family in Gunnison who I haven't seen in years. This is really turning out to be an amazing, stunning, beautiful, freeing, delightful, and joyous winter break. 

Every time I'm up here in Estes, I get to be an actual teen. I'm not as worried about what I say next, I don't have to filter every other word. I can go downtown and just hang out, which I rarely get to do down in Denver. But that is something I hope to fix, because I am tired of giving up time that I should be using to be myself, to be with my friends, and to be normal outside of school. So New Years Resolution number 2, to be an actual teen. 

I've been totally dorky this winter break, and I've gotten addicted to the vampire diaries. I am SO team Damon. And I usually get annoyed when people break up the guys into teams, but in this case I am for it. Damon is a jerk, but under that horrible asshole exterior, he really does care, and when he drops his guard, he's just so sweet, kind, and caring. He worries and he loves and when his guard is dropped, he shows it. And I just had a dork moment. I need one of those every now and then. Even though Damon is just a character, I still am totally in love with him. And Ian Somerhalder is such an amazing actor to portray Damon so well. Okay, dork moment over. :)

This year, I kinda want to fall in love. Crushes are nice and all, but I want a guy to like me. I'm not about to go out on a desperate manhunt or anything, but I am going to try to talk to guys and avoid looking at my shoes. If I were up in Estes, I could talk to any guy and not look at my shoes. It's just the stupid image I feel I have to uphold down in Denver. My Current Image=Horribly Shy, Meek, Needs Protecting, Quiet, Nerd. My Real Self=Slightly Shy, Energetic, Curious, Outgoing, Talkative, Slightly Quiet, Tough, but still a Nerd :D . I just need to break down the shell that I currently have, and start being my real self. Breaking free...Resolution Number 3! Hey, that rhymes!!! I just hope that if I start being myself, then I can actually talk to guys, and get to know them. Then maybe...hopefully, I will have not only new friendships, but also maybe a relationship. Maybe.

I honestly cannot wait to get back to school and see my friends again, because they are my connections, and they keep me from drifting. Journaling does that to, to some extent, but I do need people to talk to as well. If I don't, then I lose touch. I also miss my friends. Just IM'ing them isn't as real as talking to them in person. 

Last resolution.....................................................

TO NOT PROCRASTINATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This new year, in my schoolwork, I will keep up. No more excuses, no more putting things off, I will get my work DONE. So yep. This is my holiday update. 

OH, and I found a really interesting recipe that I have to try, Diet Coke Brownies. I wonder if it would work with regular coke. I don't really like diet soda. 

Happy Holidays to whoever is reading this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two More Days...

It's two days to winter break and I am so close to counting down the hours. I think that all the drama over the ENTIRE freaking school year packed into one week, plus homework and finals. I will be so insanely happy to sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

But before I sleep, I have a duty. I must kick the ass of the moronic bastard who even had the balls to hurt my friend. My friend cried herself to sleep and that is NOT okay. So yeah. I wish I could just snipe him down, but I can't, so this is the next best thing. Sure I might screw up any chances I have of even talking to my crush(because they are friends), but I don't give a flying banana peel. Friends first, and that is what I'm sticking to. 

I just finished my final draft for my passages paper, and my shoulder hurts. I swear I am never doing this again! Willingly anyway. If I have to, then that's a different story. Then I'll just pout. lol. XD. So, this last part of the week will be busy, but then I can kick back, relax, and drink hot chocolate. While reading. Yep. That sounds nice.

Time is Running Out

So I just looked at the calender and practically felt my knees go. I have a week left until winter break. One week to get absolutely everything done. I...Am...Screwed. There is no way all of this is getting done, and yet a small hidden part of me says, 

"Oh yes this is all getting done. Pull yourself together and get it DONE." 

I think the hidden part is winning because I'm not planning on sleeping this weekend. Oi. 

So that's where I'm at.

Dance Battle in the MB:Tecktonick vs. HipHop

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v37rsx_726c

I hope this works! And yes I know, it's kind of dorky, but I thought it was awesome.

Hidden New Experiment...DJ.

Yep. Self explanatory title. I'm going to study how to be a DJ for my next passage. Of course, I have to finish this paper first, but still. The only thing I'm really afraid of is telling people of what I'm doing, because when I told my sister, she burst out laughing. And the sad thing is that I know my friends will do the same. I think that's mostly because I'm timid around them. But when I'm on my own, I'm happier and a lot more outgoing. Or when I'm with my cousin. It's when I see people that I know that I shrivel. I think that's because I'm afraid I'll offend them if I act like myself. So yeah. Life throws curve balls, and you can either catch them or dance around them. Well, I'll catch this one. If I become a DJ(which even I slightly doubt), then maybe my confidence to be myself will increase. I can hope for that. Now the first thing I have to do is... pick out a name! Um... yeah, I has no clue. But it will be a start. :)

I ♥ MUSIC!

P.S. I found a dance battle from the Czech Republic that I thought was interesting. I'll try to post it.

Blah Blah Blah, no relation to Ke$ha

That describes my life I think. There's just too much going on for me to deal with, and I can't wait for winter break. I've been working on a story with my friend Braunwyn, and we've been having so much fun with this. I intend to be evil in the ways of the written word with regards to...personal situations. XD But we've been enjoying this so I don't mind taking lots of extra time. We hope to publish, eventually anyway.

As far as school goes, I'm finally getting on top of the work that I need to get done. Cutting out a couple clubs has freed up a lot of my time. And even with the two clubs I've been keeping up with, my hands are full. I have to say that it's worth it though. Life may be complex, and getting even more complicated, but I don't mind. 

Challenges make life worthwhile.

So Much For Constant

Well I think the title says it all. I haven't been keeping up on this blog, but I'm not sure how to get better. Oh well, I guess.

I have come to a conclusion about school this year. I'm being horribly lazy. I don't mean to, it's just that either I don't want to do it, and I don't get it done; or I try to get it done and I get sidetracked. I don't know what I should do to fix this, but I've got to find something, and soon. Otherwise, I'll have to drop a couple of my clubs. Just the thought of dropping one club sends a fist to attack and squeeze the life out of my heart.

One thing is certain though. I've got to find a balance between my social life and my school life. And I need to find it fast.

The end of the semester is fast approaching, and I've got a ton of work ahead of me. Happily though, I finished all my homework and the late work that I have accumulated. Now all that's left is to turn them in.

The sad thing about my clubs, is that I'm going to drop some anyway. I just don't have time and I wish I did. But now that I am deciding what to do, and someone isn't telling/threatening/ordering me around, I feel a lot better. If anything I feel much less conflicted. I do need to focus on what matters right now and what will help me through the rest of high school and through college. But it also has to mean something to me or else it's useless and meaningless.

And life without happiness and meaning isn't living, you might as well be dead.

Right now, the meaning in my life is to enjoy life and study hard, and with whatever higher power/entity who may or may not exist as my witness, I will try. :)

Remembrances

Rihanna's song oh nana whats my name? just came on. And that just reminds me of my time in china, which kind of makes me sad, for multiple reasons.
1. The inside joke around the song and one of my friends named Onaje(nicknamed Onana). Who I do miss.
2. This makes me miss China!! :(
3. I miss being a part of my friend group on the APSA trip where it was easier to joke and be myself.
4. I just miss all my friends in general, Zeek included, and Marylu, Victoria, Laura, and Connie.
4. I miss my mentor Jessica!
5. I miss my excursion group!
It's just a lot of missing people, and remembering memories. I wish the summer had lasted longer.

People just love to make my life awkward, lol. Yep, Sabrina, Jason, and Chris. Fun but, well, awkward. :) I love being around them though. They can always make me smile.

Braunwyn and Miriam say I shouldn't call Zeek, but I might. Plus, I'm signing up for the DC trip. If I get it, I might have to arrange an accidental meeting. ;) Man, it's hard not to like him, even though he was a jackass. Now I know how Braunwyn feels when I tell her to stop liking a jackass, and Taylor, and any other girl I've comforted about jackass guys. Which is a lot.. Wow, I'm a regular psychologist. Lol, jk!!! Still. And now I feel like a major hypocrite too. Yikes. BTW, why do people always talk to me about their problems? I don't mind, but it is strange how I attract that chaos and drama, even when I'm not a part of it. Sometimes it's fun to listen and give them advice. I guess I am a witch in that way too, because talking to me is like talking to a wall and I don't tell secrets( Terry Pratchett novel reference).

Drifting

I can't believe how fast time seems to fly. It seems like yesterday was Tuesday, even though I know is was Wednesday. Oceans are like that, and I could blame the ocean if Colorado had one. But we don't, because we're landlocked. So... It's just mah brain being crazy. Maybe I need to pay more attention...

I'm dreading facing my debate partner, or anyone else in the debate team. None of them understand, and they're just going to make me feel guilty for doing what I enjoy and look forward to. It's not worth it for me to talk to them yet, not until they will listen to how I feel. And right now, the only one that listening is our debate coach. But he's going to talk to the other coach and Emma to see if something can be worked out. But what i nothing can be worked out, what do I do then? That would call my bluff.

Sabrina was called into the office and I left debate as soon as I could. God damn, I wish Sabrina didn't have to deal with this. She doesn't deserve to have all this chaos in her life. She deserves to be happy.

I wish I could shapeshift.

Check Your Understanding

Why is the world always making you choose? Sometimes I feel like it's only one or the other, and both are of equal value. Today for instance, my debate partner basically asked me to choose between debate and glee. The thing that make this hurt was the logic she used. She said we couldn't focus in the lunch meetings, which we could if we made an effort, and she also said it was just missing one meeting a week for glee.

But I told her how important this was to me. Glee only meets twice a week, and I'd be missing it for half the time. I go to 2 out of 3 debate meetings, only missing one because it clashes with glee. Glee used to be on the bottom rung of my life, and now it's at the top! Sabrina and Jason are there, and I get to help people. I'm encouraging them, and they depend on me a bit. We help each other out. Not to mention which, Glee meetings are the highlights of my week. I don't have to struggle to fit in or keep up. I'm there, and people accept me, me the antisocial hermit!

The aura is light, and teasing, and fun! I'm really happy there. And in a school day where all I want to do is plug in my iPod and read, that's big for me. Sure I like talking to others, but the deepest sense of peace I get is when I'm drowning in music, and Glee lets me do that. I know I joke that music is my lifeline, heck today I told Zack that my iPod was my best friend. I half wonder if that was true, because when I'm listening to my iPod I don't worry about pleasing anyone, or defending myself, or running away, or hiding, or being light and upbeat when I'm not. When I have my music playing, I'm myself, and I don't have to pretend for anyone.

Glee was a way for me to do that, and now Emma wants to make me choose. I told her that if she made me choose, I'd drop both clubs. But I don't think I'd have the strength to do that. It's an effective bluff, but that's all it is. I can't give up Glee and I really don't want to give up debate. I'm just not sure how to tackle this problem. Honestly, all I want to do is run away. I can't run away from my life though. I need to face what I've created in my life. Maybe this chaos is what my cards were trying to warn me about. Too much chaos in my life. Help.

BTW: I welcome any other interpretations of my card reading.

Scary Saturday

Okay, today is the tournament, and I'm freaking out. I set the alarm for 4:30 in the hopes I'd have enough time, but even so, I barely slept all night! I was in and out if sleep from stress. But I'm just going to eat breakfast and attempt to chill out. Where's the tranquilizers when you need them? LOL
No seriously....where?

Okay, I was insanely busy all day. Basically from the moment I got to the tournament, from the moment I left. So, here's the update!

Well, in our first match, my debate partner wigged, and I had to carry out the first match on my own. But in the next round she was fine, and we won the rest, which really surprised me, especially on the third round.

And... Dun dun dun duh!! I won 2nd place novice speaker!! And me and Emma got into the gold medals for the novice division too. All in our first tournament! Which I can only call EPIC!!!!!! XD

Setting In

The cold winds are starting to come in and settle down. Blah. But that's winter for you. I love winter, but just like Mom does... From the warm side of the glass.

Today is Glee's flashmob!! The students won't know what hit 'em! :D I'm the one who sent the announcement in, but since I don't have to sing, and I'm the tech person, I start the music. I love being the tech person, and having people depend on me. It's really nice to have people trust and rely on you. Of course, I'll be panicking until the announcement is called, and even more panic until the mob starts. This'll be fun!!

P|-|34R |\|O7 /\/\OR74L$!!!!!!
3Y3 $P34|< L337!!!!
Congratulations if you understand leetspeak. I applaud thee!

The mob went fantastically!!! I didn't faint, which is a bonus, and I had tons of fun!!!!

I hung out with Jason, Sabrina, and Sarah at lunch, and I think thats the most relaxing lunch I've had in ages. :)

The debate tournament is tomorrow, and even though I act calm, inside I am panicking! I hope it goes fine, and it probably will. Me and Emma will kick ass!!! XD

Wattpad

Hellos to anyone who sees this blog, which is no one as of now. But still... I have some stories on Wattpad under the username aliassierraanya. If you would read them and tell me what you think I'd be really grateful!!!

Another Day

Well yesterday, I kept one post open all day and updated it all day, then posted it at the very end. I think that worked well, so I'm going to continue it.

The morning bus actually has some good music playing, so my earbuds are out for once. Yesterday one of my friends put Lucifer by Shinee on my iPod. I was so happys! XD

My camera batteries died a couple days ago, but we went to the store yesterday, so it lives again. I should have pics up soon. Maybe in a picture blog... Maybe.
OMG, LMFAO's Sexy and I know It just came on!! I love this song!!!!

Okay, um... In Chinese class I was a moron! I paired myself up with my crush......... In a romance skit. I want to shoot myself right now. We preformed the skit today. And I was so damned embarrassed, and I was bright pink, laughing through all my lines. I curse my dumbass-ness. I laughed because it was either that or faint. And as it was, my knees were jelly anyway. It took me a while to stand up after I sat down, and I wanted to hide from sheer embarrassment on my part. Thank god it was a play! Maybe I can get away with the epic fail acting, because the lines were so cheesy. Which is probably why I laughed, I laughed because I do like him, and I could never say stuff like that.

Then in glee, I had to fill in for Kayla, and that was embarrassing and panicking. My voice is horrible, both Mom and Rhi say so. But Ms. Mason, Cheyenne, and Jason say I was fine. So now I'm really damned confused.
I was just filling in though, so when Kayla gets back, I can hide behind the computer again. *relief* :) I do love singing though... Behind closed doors. :D

My Mood

Too Much Homework

Well this serves me right. I left too much work till the end of the quarter, and now I'm paying the price. But still... I is tireds. I'll make sure to keep up on my work next quarter.

And now one of my friends is hurting herself again, and I'm not sure what to do! I might make her a protection and healing bag. Possibly a freezing spell, because I don't want to see her hurt. I just don't know though. I'm going to ask her first. Hopefully she is still my friend after this.

My first debate tournament is on Saturday!! Yays!! And Glee is doing a flash mob on Friday, and that should be amazing!

Picture

This is a pic of me and my Dad years ago, on my first backpacking trip. I look so serious, lol!!

Homecoming

          I have mixed feelings about homecoming. To be honest, the first half of homecoming SUCKED! A girl was grinding up against my crush for 90% of the time(which is half my fault, because by nature, I am a coward. I didn't ask him out, so I shouldn't really complain), and I was bored. But then during the last half I realized that if I didn't think about anything, and just danced my ass off, then I would have fun. And I did!!! I danced with one girl I didn't know, and Kayla, and Justice. I danced up near the strobe lights where everything looked like blurred together photographs. It was amazing.

        I also took more time to take pictures on the walk home, and they were pretty. I might post them. I also might create a blog for my China photos. Well, we'll see. :) We'll see if I'm lazy or not. 
        I've also taken on a lot of clubs this year. Last year I wasn't doing anything, but now I'm doing too much. But I'll have to learn to cope. If I can go to China, I can handle school. :D

Oopsie :)

Wow, wow, wow. I have really been lagging on my posts. It's almost been a month I think. I can't say a ton has happened, it's just been school and more school. I've been really busy. Homework, schoolwork, clubs, family, and friends just seem to take up so much time, but as long as I have fun with it, I don't really care. Crushes abound. Erk. T.T 

I blame horomones honestly. I has no idea what else to do though, besides suffer in silence and hope it passes. Pray it passes actually. 

I've joined Glee club, and surprisingly, I'm having tons of fun. I honestly didn't think it would be fun, but it is. I refuse to sing though, my voice sounds very screech-y and off key. I don't have any wish to break anyone's eardrums, lol! 

My passages class is so much fun, because I can basically study what I want, and I have to say it's my favorite class. Chinese class is picking up in pace thankfully, so I actually have things to do. YAYNESS!! Yes, I am a mondo dork, but this is me. 

I can't wait for college! Only two more years, and then I'm there!! So close and yet so far. I think I'm excited because I know exactly what I want to do. 

Homecoming is coming up, and the theme is Under the Sea. I am really excited. For once, it's a theme I can shop to!

I think that's all my updates for now, but I'm going to try and keep them more constant.

Zai Jian! Adios! Ciao! Goodbye! :)

Day 3= Exhaustion!

I've been back at school for a grand total of 3 days, and I already wish it were summer. Better yet, I wish I could relive this past summer, not because I'd want to change it(which I don't, this summer was amazing) but because it was some of the best fun I've ever had. Sure parts of it were stressful, but I wouldn't change my experience for anything. 

Right now I'm registered for 3 AP classes, and as of now, I have no freaking clue how I am going to survive the year. Just looking at my anticipated workload gives me a headache. I still have time enough to change my class, but I'm not going to. I will persevere, and conquer. This will help me tons in college anyway. This year I'm also taking Passages, which will be beyond the valley of the fun. I basically get to decide what I study, as long as I present it. I think that will become my favorite class. For the first paper I have to do, I've narrowed it down to 2 topics, one is Crime Scene Investigations(NOT THE SHOW) or Supernatural(ALSO NOT THE SHOW). I'm dwindling though, because both of these topics seem like fun to do. Of course, I only have until Friday to decide, so I had better hurry up. :)

No matter where I'm at, socially, I feel strange. I got so close to my friends on the APSA trip, and I don't know how to adjust right back. It might take time, but either way, I can't help but wonder if I fit in here anymore. I wouldn't fit in at a regular school, god, I'd be an outcast. Still, I feel slightly out of place. Is that normal?

I'M BACK!!!!!!

Okay, so there's been a large-ish gap in my blog postings here, but y'all know why. I was in CHINA!!! So besides the fact that I didn't have much computer time, blogger was blocked so I couldn't post anyways. But now I'm back and I'm ready to hop into the year, AP classes, family, clubs, chaos, and everything that comes with 'em. Turns out I might get a follower at some point, so I'm going to try to make my posts a tad less... um, rant-y? Yep, that's the word. I'm going to try to create a website for my stories, and see if I can copyright the content, just in case. If not, I'll post them to Wattpad. I'm going to be up till two in the morning doing homework, but that's just a guesstimate. But you know what? I'm still so glad to be back, and to be able to just relax a bit is amazing. I'm just so happy, I was able to set up my little nest of pillows and stuffed animals, perfect for sleeping, I got a couple new books, and I've started re-writing my big story, again. Life is good!!!

I'm not sure what I'm going to do this year if I have a lack of freedom. In China, even though I was restricted to campus, I still had so much freedom to wander when something wasn't scheduled. If I don't have that during the school year, I could possibly go insane. :) I can't wait to start all my clubs, namely debate club and anime club. Those two are the ones I'm most looking forward to. Then I'll also have China club and Video game club, where I might actually get to play half the games because I'm more familiar with both the club and the people in it now(plus the intimidating seniors are gone now). YAYNESS!!!

So that's my world right now, happiness and anticipation for many many things.

Catching Up

This is going to be an uber long post, because I haven't posted in a while, so this will be the recap of recaps. Okay, so..........................
I talked to Roberto, and even though I still think he was a jerk, I don't curse his guts every time I think about him. I'm still pissed, but less so. Thank you Taylor for making me chat with him! Yeps. Still a jerk.


I'm 8 days away from China! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!! I really can't wait! It's going to be so much fun, and I am really looking forward to EVERYTHING! The language, the city, the food, the sights, everything! I met with one of Dad's friend's friend's today. Her name was Diana, and she told me so much about what to expect. She was traveling to and from Beijing(work-related) for 15 years. She gave me some good advice about jetlag, and how to deal with it, so I don't have to spend two weeks completely sick. Happy day. We got the flight information, and we have to be at the airport at 8:30. UGH! That means an hour to two hour commute from Estes Park, which means I'll have to get up at oh, shall we say 5:30 to 6:00. But it is so worth it. 


They made one of my favorite book series, the Nine Lives of Chloe King, into a TV show! I am so ungodly excited! They took out so much stuff, like Mus-Mus, and Chloe being with her friends when she fell from the tower. But they also added in connections with her Dad through email. And OMFG the actors for Alec and Brian are freaking amazing!!!!! Alec, as we know, is this drop dead gorgeous russian guy, and they found the perfect smart alec-y actor for it, who is soooooo.... well, HOTTTTTT. And Brian, well, he's just the hot with cute on top. Like a cupcake. I can't believe I just typed that. But it's also true. So true! I can't wait for more of the episodes. I will find a way to watch them in China, I swear to god. I will give up So You Think You Can Dance for this. Maybe not... possibly yes. IDK.


I love going into the bookstore. Although, the cute guy there helps out a lot. He started this summer, I'm pretty certain. And he's so cute!!! It's a real shame that I'm going to China, I'm not going to be able to get to know him. *pout* However, China does promise many many cute guys, so I'm not too worried. :) I think it's slightly mildly insane how boy crazy I am now. In-freaking-sane. Oh well. 
♫If it makes me happy, it can't be that baadd! ♫ 


I kinda love my life right now! :D

Sooooo Close

I am soooo close to being in China, and I still can't believe it. I'm almost there!!! I'm up in Estes Park, and there's a lot to do here. With plenty of cute boys around too. :) Yes, I am dorkus. The river's up really high, and after the rain and hail storm today, I'm pretty sure it's going to overflow, mostly because it's still raining. My cousin and I have just been having so much fun with everything, although we did forget about game night... oh well. We ended up watching So You Think You Can Dance, and America's Got Talent, two of my most favorite shows EVER, which made me happy. Then we finished a movie called Killers, feat. Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher( who is HOT), then watched Ouran Highschool Host Club, which is just so hilarious and ridiculous. Good days, good summer, good future. YAYNESSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guilty

I feel so horribly guilty, sick to my stomach guilty. I pissed mom off, on accident mind you, when I went to plug in my iPod. I said, to myself, that I was going to stay home and level my warrior, but oh well. I didn't mind. She needed me there to watch my sister, and I was okay with that. Then she got mad, said that I was attitude-y about it, and if I was, I didn't mean to be. Then she brought up how I didn't want to take my sister out to the basketball courts, where I would have had to watch her, which interfered with how I like to spend my time at the basketball court. When I'm there, I put in my music, and zone out. I'm responsible for myself, alone, and I'm peaceful. I don't have anyone to watch out for, to manage, and I don't have to worry about anyone but myself, and I'm happy there. And I usually just put in my iPod, don't keep track of time at all, and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist. When I'm upset, I go play basketball, and that court has become my zone, where I can vent, where I don't have to watch what I say, what I do, where I don't have to care about anyone else, and that makes me happy. So when she wants me to interrupt that area, that zone that I like to think of as mine, I got really upset, because then I felt I had to keep a constant watch, that I couldn't zone out like I wanted. I just felt violated like that. And Rhiannon was all happy dappy, and I wanted to scream in frustration. So then I went out to the courts, with her tagging along, and I was miserable. I hated it because I felt like I had been violated and guilted into taking Rhi with me. And now she's pissed, and it's all my fault, and I hate that it's all my fault. I hate that I made her mad, that I probably wrecked the next two days I'm here, I hate that I can't keep my mouth shut, I hate that there are so many lines, and boundries, I hate that I forget, I even sometimes hate being here because I worry so much all the time about what will push what buttons, and no matter what I do, sometime or another, she's going to end up mad, and it's my fault. I hate that I can't be the adult, that I can't just step back, that I can't just let go. I hate that I'm crying so much lately, and upsetting everyone lately. I hate a lot of things, and I don't know how to fix it. All I have is I'm sorry, and that's not enough. But I don't know what to do anymore.

I Feel Kind Of Sick

Not disease sick, nausea type sick. I got a preview for the rat dissection, and I'm not sure if I can do that. I used to own rats, and, I don't think I can do this. I love them too much. What if I get one that looks like one of rats? That would be horrible!!!! Yeah. Not fun, at all. I might have to do the dissection though, because Izzy isn't allowed near the poor thing. She'll mutilate it. Poor rats. :(  I cry for the rats. T.T

A Quarter Argh, And Three Quarters Yay!!!

They finally updated one of my favorite mangas, Gakkou no Ojikan, and then they cut it off at the WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYY????????? 

Schools almost out, but even more exciting... da da da daaaaa... the seniors checked out on friday!! I don't have to see the jackass who I used to like ever again!!! Yay!!! 

My grandma dropped off a CU- Boulder catalog and info on anthropology. I think that I know what I'm going to study. I've also taken care of my school service, and I'll have my community service done on Tuesday. I am sooo very happy. I just need to fill out a special event, and one more artifact, I think. I'm almost dones. I also need to take care of some missing math assignments. It's all going to get taken care of. 

I can't wait for the China trip this summer. I'm going to get the Visa application via email, and I'll have to fill it out online. Easy-peasy! My life is going supremely well, and I am extraordinarily happy. Not much to complain about, I am all good.

Back at School

Back at school, after a weekend of reorganizing. And I'm exhausted before it's already begun. It's monday. Still, I must persevere! This is a valiant test of VALOR!!! Not really, I'm just making stuff up to try to get through everything. My comments are babbles of bull. Yep, it's monday.

Movie

Wow, I don't cry much for movies, but the one I just say made me cry. It was called Keith, and it was so sad, touching, and romantic. I couldn't stop watching it. To date I have cried for three movies,

1. Bridge to Terabithia

2. My Sister's Keeper

and

3. Keith

I'll probably find a few more as I go along. Life's like that. It goes along, and you can't stop it, no matter how hard you try.

Happiness and Guilt

Bo asked Izzy to prom! It was so sweet, even if her locker does stink like white out and sharpie. And I'm also feeling MASSIVE guilt. In the excitement I forgot about Chris's passage committe meeting! I am feeling enormously guilty and horrible. Thankfully it got rescheduled, because most of the teachers didn't know where to go. But that doesn't ease my guilt at all. I will make it tommorrow no matter what. I've also got to get that resident evil game to him, I'll have to bring it Monday.

Ah, The Male Part of Our Species

So, I found out yesterday that my crush(who I'd been on a few dates with previously) asked one of my friends to prom. Which basically meant that everything I felt, he didn't, and he was just going along with it. I really feel like my heart was just being played around with. I couldn't eat my lunch yesterday either. I was really upset. I got over it quickly, but today, every time I saw him(which wasn't much, I tried to avoid him) it felt like a knife was stabbing me. NOT FUN! Izzy and Braunwyn think I should ask Chris, but I don't want to. We're good friends, and I want to leave it like that. I don't want to complicate things. If a guy likes me, he needs to get the guts to ask me himself. I learned my lesson with this guy. You don't chase after guys, not if you want to keep your heart intact. So yeah, and guess what. He tried to talk to me today. Yeah, he honestly thought that he could still talk to me like we're good friends. WHAT PART OF THE MALE BRAIN CAN EVEN THINK TO COMPUTE THE BACKWARDS LOGIC OF TALKING TO A GIRL WHO THEY KNOW LIKES THEM, BUT THEY ASKED SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's obviously the part that's MALE. Yeah. I'm pissed as hell right now, and beyond the valley of the hurt. Not a good combo. But I guess this means I'm free to look for other guys now. Yay, me. Braunwyn, Izzy, and I are planning a trip down to 16th Street Mall. Maybe I'll meet someone there. Maybe. All I know is, I no longer have a crush on this previous crush. He is a JACKASS and a BASTARD! Maybe I'll wait on looking for guys. I'm not quite over this one yet.

I'm Loving Basketball!!!

Yeah, the title is pretty self explanatory. I've been playing basketball almost daily, and I'm having tons of fun with it. I still miss half my shots, but I don't care. I'm out of the house, away from my sister, and it's another time where I can tune out the world, or cuss the world out. Whichever one I feel like doing. Either way, I'm still immeasurably happy(er). I can't wait until I'm in college and away from my sister. Her attitude just pisses me off, no matter what. I don't think that'll ever change.

'Nuffin New

Well. My sister still thinks she owns the world. Yep. That's crap. I think I'm losing the attention of my crush, and that's depressing. Also depressing, he's checking out in under two weeks because he's a senior. Damnit. I'm also waving goodbye to my anonymity. That's going out the window with my trip to China. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited and all, but I've worked on staying under the radar at school, and this will send all my hard work down the drain. Oh wells. Well, that's fun. The only peace I get is on the bus. I turn up my music, and I'm lost to the world for the better part of an hour, and that is really nice. Chaos, annoyance, sadness, love. Well, that's the description of high school.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I GOT THE TRIP TO CHINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE'S A MEETING ON MONDAY AND I'M GOING TO GO TO CHINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FINALLY GOT A TRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Think The World Looks Better After It Rains

So, I have a lot more to bitch about. Namely, my sister. She thinks that no one else matters at all. She's the center of the BLOODYFUCKINGUNIVERSE and I am sick of her thinking that way. She has this princess complex and it pisses me off. Yesterday, I broke down, and she called me a baby, like crying when you can't hold it in anymore makes you a child. Like being vulnerable at times is bad. I hate her. I don't know why this surprises me anymore, but I really hate her. I can't wait until I am out of the house and away from her. I've been better since I've had this blog, but it doesn't do a lot for having people listen. No one really listens. This blog helps vent my anger, but it's not the same as talking to someone. I just wish that Rhiannon would get her head out of her ass and care about others for once. But I don't think that will ever happen. She'll be the bitchy popular kid, pushing down everyone in her way, and ending up friendless, because she doesn't give a shit about others.

This morning was better, because it had rained the night before, and the world was still fresh. It seemed to be tinted blue, and it smelled, well, like rain. I thought it was fantastic. There was just that light chill, and the clouds were a baby blue, and the sky was orange fading into the purple morning sky. It was amazing. I really felt better. The tea helped too. It a new one I got from Whole Foods, its a honeybush tea. I didn't know there was such a thing as a honeybush, and the tea is really tasty. And it looks like the color peach when you add milk. Nummy!

Nothing Much. Just...School.

Well, the title pretty much tells it all. School has been very bleh lately. I feel like I'm becoming a ghost, that I'm just there. Classes are boring, even Cross Cultural seems to blur. I don't know. I really just want to not have any homework ever again. Homework is a flawed principle. In my opinion anyway. No news from APSA, sadly. But I'm supposed to know by the end of April on whether or not I get this trip to China, so, heres hoping. I hope I get it. I also hope that I can figure out the visa stuff. I'm not sure what I need to do with that. Sighs. So yep. Nothing much.

Mock AP, Mock the AP

My brain is fried after taking that mock AP exam. I tried on the multiple choice and parts a and b of the essays(tried meaning, I tried, but not very hard), but I was so tired, I bullshitted part c. I just didn't care anymore. Well, the point of this mock exam was to know how badly I failed, and to learn how much more I have to study, so I think it's okay. I hope. XD

A No Good Terrible Very Bad Day.

So today, I think my head nearly imploded from anger and embarrassment when during Chinese class, Ms. Ge mentioned to the ENTIRE class (minus a few seniors) that she had seen me on a date. And she even said I was with my boyfriend (that's not official at this point in time). So yeah, I just about lost it. In reality, I played Gun Range on my IPod, and went to the bathroom and cussed at the wall for a little bit. And after that, during lunch, Izzy attacked me with perfume, which I didn't like the smell of, and Braunwyn and Izzy have been pushing my relationship which has really been pissing me off, and  I didn't eat lunch with them today. I needed to cool off. So I ate with Shani, Odessa, and Sarah, and I forgot how goofy and happy they all were. I had lots of fun there. Apparently Shani and Sarah are writing a screenplay with a teacher who murdered a student that he had an affair with, and pigs. They added frogs to it today. Yeah. Chaos at it's max. Not to mention, tomorrow I have a mock AP exam that will take my entire lunch hour. I was not very happy today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Not counting the AP exam.

Epiphany

I realized I've been snapping at my sister less. I think it's because of this blog. It gives me a place to rant. And even though no one reads this, someone could, if they found it. It's public, and yet private. I like my blog.

Too Tired

I am at that horrible place where I didn't get enough sleep, but I didn't sleep too little either, which means I have NO energy whatsoever. None at all. I almost fell asleep during the all school meeting. I yawn every 2 minutes, and I want to go to sleep!! And I still have all three of my classes left to go. I don't think I'll make it. Blahs.

First Kiss, Yay!

Went on a date yesterday, and my crush kissed me. YAYS! I so totally love that guy! I hope we become official! Yay yay yay! We also saw Hanna, and that was a fun movie. Lotsa blood and broken necks. :)

Total Nerd Moment

I just had a total dork moment as my title states. :) My crush walked me to the bus!!!!!! He's never done that before! Yayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!! Progress, maybe :D. Once again Yayyyyyyyyyyyy! I am reminded of how much I adore that guy, and I hope that we can be together, as a couple, before the end of the year. I hope hope hope so!!!!

Day 3, and I'm already pissed. As well as tired.

I don't know why every minute I spend with my sister pisses me off. No matter what she does, she always pushes the wrong buttons. I honestly give up.

 I just want to crash after school lately. I've been so tired, and I have no idea why. I blame school starting at 7:35 and interacting with other humans. Take that humanity! YOU EXHAUST ME!

Also, it was Senior Ditch Day today, and my crush was no where to be seen. T.T It made me sads. I knew he was there in the morning, but I didn't see him the rest of the day. Dang it. And I was all set up with being proactive. Damnit.

Boy Issues (probably one of many)

I couldn't tell if he was ignoring me, or if he just didn't see me. Argh. That's annoying. I've got to be more proactive, I've got to be confident, and I've got to grow a spine. I have to take action. I hope I can take action...

Argh!!!!

I tried to jailbreak my iPod on the school computers, but it was blocked, and I didn't know what the IPSW was. I'm going to have to jailbreak it at home. What a pain!

Sighs

Apparently my dad isn't driving me back home, and that makes me a little sad. I love the times where it's just me and him. Sometimes we talk, and I ask questions, but theres also silence, and listening to NPR on the radio. I'm kinda sad because I'll miss that. 

After the Party

The party just barely ended, and I am exhausted. I played hide and seek with my mildly violent cousins. It was awesome and I am so glad I did. I was a little bit evil, by hiding in very obscure places. But we all had fun, and nothing was broken. No windows, doors, or bones were damaged. YAY! They haven't changed much. They're still going through a lot of family turmoil, but I think they'll improve. I told them to work as a team, but I'm such a hypocrite. I give all this good advice, but I never take it. 

My Little Sister's B-Day!!!!!

I've been helping set up for my 3 year old sisters birthday party. It's going to be so hectic, but also a lot of fun. My cousin is coming, and I have a feeling that we are going to be wrangling small sugar-high children all day. :) It should be interesting none the less. It's snowing, and quite a bit too. I hope I can make it back home. It's going to be freezing cold too. Blah.

First Blog...what to write?

This is my first blog, and I have no idea what is supposed to happen with it. So, I will type randomness, most likely about my day,and see what happens. Probably nothing,but one can always experiment.