Oh Thank GOD!!!

So my dad and stepmom pulled the worst prank on me today. They came into school during my last period and called me into the office. And the last time that happened, that was when I found out my dad had cancer. So needless to say, this panicked me to the max. The first words out of my mouth were "What's wrong?" 

And what can I say, bad experiences linger. So that was what was going on there. But then they took me out to icecream, and we just got to talk. And that made me happy. I was just so glad to see them again, especially after so long. :) 

And I've got one approval for my camping trip with Chris. Laura's. Yay! ^_^

Bitter Love Truths (BLT) Lyrics/Poem?

The way that your love burns consumes my sense

Taking away logic and leaving passion in it's wake

Sunning me, freezing me with your eyes

I'm helpless around you

You reach out for me and I follow

No doubts cloud my mind

I know you won't let me fall

But I'm already falling, already fallen

For you I'll travel all around

If just for a hope that I'll see you again

One glance is all I need

And suddenly I can breathe

Without you there half of me is missing

A gaping hole remains, salted and stinging from my tears

All the more bitter because it was a fear

And an inevitability that you would leave me

And yet I took a chance on you

Cause loving you was what I wanted

Loving you was what I needed

Now I can say that I don't regret it

Because I was able to love you

If only for a short time

We let our love consume us

Let it take us to new heights

We'll love each other while we can

Before our time reaches it's end

Before we have to say goodbye

Painful

I talked to my boyfriend on chat yesterday, and we talked about some painful things. Like if he gets this Japan trip that he applied for, then he could be gone for a year. And if he went for college, that could be longer. I asked him if we could still make it work, because I did want to know what he thought. And he thought not. He said that there were complications, and that we'd be holding each other back, so probably not. And as true as I know that was, it still hurt to hear/see it. Immensely. But I knew this was a risk, and I am willing to take it. No matter how much I know it hurts, it is worth it. 

You know, I remember the first day I met him. I was sitting in American Literature class, and doodling. He was a new student and it was his junior year, he was a transfer. He came over and introduced himself. I remember being so shocked, because that rarely happens. I prided myself on being a wallflower, but nevertheless, he came over and talked to me. And when I actually looked at him, I felt an instant connection to him. I wasn't sure if he did, but I know I did. At that stage, it was a very early crush. 

I also remember in that same class, him talking to one of my friends. And the green eyed monster made an appearance. I was mortified at myself. I barely knew this guy, and I was already feeling that way. I shook it off and told myself that it was unlikely. Him and me, that would never happen. 

And look at where we are now. We're together, and it took almost two years. And that was mostly my fault. I closed myself off from things like that, like us. And I did it because I found out that some of my friends were crushing on him too. So like I always do, I pulled back. 

But over spring break this year, things became VERY apparent. He and I were practically joined at the hip, and many people asked if we were together. And it was always awkward saying no, because I was in a relationship at the time. 

And then, I think I've mentioned this before, we got locked out of the dorms. And that's when we both discovered that we both liked each other. And from that time, that experience, it led us to where we are now.

We're together, for however long we can be. And even though it may not be long, it's worth every second. And even when he leaves, because I know that he will, I won't regret a single thing.

Wow...

So I got grounded for the second time in my life. And it's strange, because my mother doesn't know how to ground properly (which I'm thankful for). And for the first time, it really bites... I was going to go out with my boyfriend. Painful, yes. Is it my fault, also yes. So I'm taking responsibility. But I don't have to like it.

And I'm going to start posting in black and white again. Unless it's a special occasion. Because looking back on my previous posts, some of them are really hard to read.

Bring On The Preparations

Today we had a meeting for the trip to Mongolia, and I'm getting so excited that I can barely contain it. I can't wait till the plane touches down, and I set foot on freaking MONGOLIA!!! Yeah, I am delighted. I am waiting on a packing list, because I need to start now, or else I'll be up till two in the morning again, just packing and repacking my suitcase. I can't really do that again. I got no sleep. So I will plan better this time. And I'm still packing my sandals. And hand sanitizer, that's a MUST...I'm not kidding. I really hope I get to try out one of the Mongolian bows, or even buy one. Maybe... :) I'm hoping hoping hoping! They really have some gorgeous bows. So we'll see how it goes I guess.

Then, Now, and Next-Lyrics?

I was terrified to kiss you
Because I wasn't sure what you'd do
Would you push me away 
Or hold me closer to you



Then you pulled me to you 
Told me that everything's okay
Then you held me tighter
You promised that you'd stay



You helped me grow and drew me out
Took me to new places
And then in the water
You kissed my fears away



You held me tight and stroked my hair
Lifting the final veil
It was there I truly knew
How much I cared for you



And you pulled me to you 
Told me that everything's okay
You held me even tighter
You promised that you'd stay



And with me you did stay
Making my heart beat much louder than before
Time seemed to slow down
But soon we were at my door



We held each other tightly
Neither of us wanted to let go
But let go we had to
And so we waved goodbye



And you kissed me there
Outside my door
You said that you would miss me
I said I'd see you soon



Then you pulled me to you
Told me that everything's okay
Then you held me tighter
You told me that you'd stay



Later that night I was talking to you
And I was lost on what to do
And the only thing that was clear
Were my feelings for you



I'll hold onto you while I can
But soon I know you'll have to go
For right now however
This is enough



Then you pulled me to you
Told me that everything's okay
Then you held me tighter
You said that you would stay



Life takes different paths
Yet it's led me to you
So maybe in the future
I'll see you again too



Baby I hope you'll know I'll miss you
Because I know that you can't stay
Please take these treasured memories
Hold them close to you 



Because then I knew you
Now I love you
Next time I'll see you
I'll hold you tight again



But for now
I'll hold you to me 
Treasure our happy days
Until the petals fall



And our time returns                                                                               

Lost or Found - Poem

There’s no place for me in the past realm
It’s in the future where I will dwell
Whether you are here or not
And that will be you who decides
Because I won’t wait for you
Not after the silence you’ve given
When all I gave you was my trust
I won’t wait for what might never come
Or what you think should happen
Because I won’t let you control my smile
Not how it comes
Not who it’s for
Don’t you understand
My happiness isn’t yours
It’s not to be possessed
How I feel is how I feel
I won’t be your robot on autopilot
I have a heart too
As irrational as it can be
My love is mine
You cannot dictate me or my rationality
So can you sew this cut
Heal the scar that’s left
Can you pull your head from the dark
Come talk to me and set this straight
Because deep down I’m dying
From your unnecessary hate

L-M-E - Poem

Tears die upon the open flame
Leaving emotions raw
Then in the fading daylight
Sinking behind the sky
Is what we never thought we'd know
When what we think clashes
Leaving emotional slashes



Scars in the mind and in the heart
Neither are too far apart



When logic meets emotion
Sparks tend to fly
But soon after the fire dies down
One begins to see
That tears are no more than fallen sparks
Dying in the flame of dread

Liars, Destroyers, and Thieves - Lyrics

Look at what's left
After you ripped me apart
You went behind my back and tore out my heart
You let me fall for you
Tricked me and made it seem like you cared too



What's wrong you ask
What's up you say
What's with the one word answers
Well one word is all I have left to reply
To answer your lies



Was it a game to you
Fun for you
To break me apart
To shatter my heart 
And leave little behind
Like a demolition site



Why did you ask when you knew
When you left out the truth
But somehow I guess I knew
Because I refused to cry over you



My intuition was my inner song and it kept me strong
So why did you ask
When you clearly knew
But you decided to lie
And be untrue



What's wrong you ask
What's up you say
What's with the one word answers
Well one word is all I have left to reply
To answer your lies



But now that you know
I'll never answer you again
Because you don't deserve me
Not my attention
Nor my affection



I'm not sorry I met you
Cause despite the pain
You taught me too
Now I guard my heart and keep it safe
From thieves like you
Who would pawn it away 
On any given day

So thank you 
But goodbye



You'll never see me cry

Five Posts in a Day

Alright, well technically it will be six after this, because I'll be posting my lyrics and poems on this blog too. I hope they are enjoyed!

Excitement

WE'RE ALL GOING TO MONGOLIA!!!!!! I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

Trying and Timing

GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Yeah...That's how I'm feeling right now. So, I have a new boyfriend. And he's the one I've been talking about. Yeah. And we now have to hide the fact that we're in a relationship for, oh, two weeks now. I'm not happy about it, but I know it's necessary. Which sucks.

Also, there's a second suckish part of today. He and I were planning on going to a park, just us two and having a fun time on the swings and everything. Alone time, which will be rare to come by. And we were followed...By another one of my friends...Who.Just.Couldn't.Take.A.Hint. We seriously felt stalked. But we walked back early, because I didn't want to be late. And I tried something new. ^_^ And I am so glad I did. It was strange, but also kind of nice. Suffice it to say, he tasted like mint. :") And that sounds really weird now that I'm typing it out.

Annnndddddddd.......DUN DUN DUN DUHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I'M GOING TO MONGOLIA THIS SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so lucky that I'm able to travel two years in a row, and I can't wait to board the plane. Well, actually, yes I can. A 13 hour plane ride...Ugh. But once I get to the airport, it will all be worth it. Man, I'm just so filled with anticipation and joy!!! YAYNESS!!!

Brain...Flop...

So today I have a presentation that will essentially determine whether I go to Mongolia this summer. I had everything all prepared, slideshow, outfit, speech, the whole nine yards. But I was in such a rush this morning that I ended up leaving my professional outfit at home...-_-. Yeah. I think that's not good. So now I have to try to create a pseudo professional outfit out of a hoodie, t-shirt, and scarf. I think, hope, pray, and will attempt this seemingly useless feat. Wish me luck...

I'm Starting to Love Parks

And I'm not even kidding about the title. Recently, parks are where it's been happening. Last Saturday, I went and hung out with Chris in a park near Belmar. And that was amazing. I'm not even sure if I blogged that. If I haven't, here's what happened. We had to leave our electronics in a safe place, because we didn't want the water to get to them.We waded up and down a stream for a good few hours, and then we went and hung out at Belmar. Wading up and down the stream was the best part. He held my hand practically the entire time, and had to catch me a few times. It was amazing, and so beats dinner and a movie. Then we visited an asian market, and got a few things there. Then we went and sat on a tire swing at a playground near where he used to live. It was nice too. It was dusk, which means that the lighting was ghostly, but at the same time, it was perfect. Yay for parks!

And today...

We hung out in another park, but one closer to where I live. And today, that's when everything clicked into place. We were having fun, we had sat by a stream on another side of the park and played the pocky game...And the pocky game...well let's just say, IT'S EMBARRASSING! One person holds one end of the pocky in their teeth, and then you both try to eat the pocky. And the first one to pull away loses. I always lose. LOL. Then we crossed into another part of the park, and sat by another stream. He asked what was on my mind. And what was on my mind at the time was that I wanted to kiss him, but I was scared. I was scared that he'd pull away and that by kissing him I'd wreck everything. When I told him that (after five minutes of attempting to stutter it out), he just held me. When he did let me go, he went wading in the stream and sat on a rock a little further up, at a drop in the stream where the water flowed over like a waterfall. He motioned for me to come join him, and I did. The water was cold, but it was worth it. I sat next to him, and he took off my glasses. I asked him why, and he said that he thought it was obvious. And with me being 100% dense, well, it took me a while. And when I did get it, I was almost scared to even hope. But he kissed me. He actually kissed me. We were sitting there, in the water, and he was holding me and kissing me. When we pulled away, he smiled, and said, “I guess this means that we're dating.” And my heart just fluttered at that. I was so ungodly happy that it should be illegal. Because even then I'd do it to break the rules. He then pulled me onto his lap, and proceeded to pretend to drop me in the water, which didn't work, since I clung to him with everything I had. In my defense, that water was FREEZING. And he kept kissing me. To be honest, most of what we did in the park was kiss. And he had me chase him, which made me realize that I had no stamina... But, when we did talk, I knew that he was worried. He was worried about hurting me, and pushing me too far. But the thing is, it's because he's worried about it that I know it won't happen. I trust him. If I tell him that it's going too far, I know that he'll respect that. I promised him that I would tell him when to stop. And I will. After the park, we sort of just walked around, until we found another stream. :) Then we picked up sakura petals and tossed them in and watched them float. While we were down there, we were in between buildings and a construction site. The hilarious part of this was the security guard. He asked if one of the cars was ours, and we said no. And then he said,

“Just behave. Okay.”

And that just made me laugh. Chris too. It was funny because we are the last people that would be doing that, in that place. Sure we definitely kissed <3, but we're still new, and that won't happen for QUITE a while yet.

Chris and I are going to wait to tell everyone about us for about a week-ish. And there are very good reasons for it. I've liked him for two years, and so I'm delighted that we're together now. See, the thing is...He's one of the panelists who is deciding whether or not I'm traveling this summer... So yeah, awkward accusations could ensue. So, we're waiting until after everything. But I made him promise me to make the right decision, the unbiased one, the moral one. So I know that he isn't picking favorites. I made him promise me that 100%, because it wouldn't be fair otherwise. And I know he will, because he is one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I know that he can. I know that he was worried about it, which shows that he will make the best decision on who gets to travel. And honestly, if I don't travel again, I'll be okay. I've traveled once already, and so if I don't go, and someone who hasn't traveled yet does, I'm okay with that. Everyone should have a chance to travel. And if that means that I don't go, so be it.

So yeah, that was today.

I'm so in love with Chris that it makes me blush upon thought of it. He makes me feel complete in a sense. I'm not going to let this go, to let him go like I have all the other guys I've liked. If he tells me to leave, then I will. But until then, I love him, and I want to be able to show him that. If he'll allow me to. And I think that he will. Because he likes me too. <3

I'm walking on clouds and sipping sunshine right now. lol

Argh...School...

After two weeks of doing mostly travel things, I am so not happy to be back in school. It feels so restricted and dull. :( I can't wait till college, and then I can't wait till I'm free of school! It will be liberating I swear. To not have a set schedule where I'm trying to shove infinite amounts of information into my brain, that will be heaven. But right now, I think I could take a nap. A really nice loooonnnngggg nap. Although that may be because I went to bed at 3:30 am... :D

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Yesterday was amazing, stunning, and almost like a dream. It was a complete spur of the moment type thing. Chris and I were talking on Facebook and he mentions that he wanted to go out to a park. And as a random hope, I said yes. So he came to pick me up and we went. And it was amazing. We spent the time talking and wading up and down a stream. We held hands practically the entire time, and he had to catch me a couple times. We saw crawdads and ducks. We fished quite a bit of trash out of the tiny stream, and sunk into quicksand a couple times. Quicksand doesn't actually kill you by the way. It's just annoying because it rips off your shoes. 

Chris is amazing and I swear I'm falling for him hard. That was by far the best not really a date I've been on. I've been trying not to put labels on any of this, mostly for his sake. He's worried and a little scared with this. I can tell and he's told me a bit. He's scared of opening up, and he's scared of losing those who are close to him. He's had that happen before, and he doesn't want it to happen again. And even though I swear to him that he won't lose me, I can tell he isn't sure. If I can wait two years for him to even realize that we both like each other, then I can wait longer until he's ready. And that's kind of funny, seeing as how I'm a year younger than he is. But the thing is he is going to leave eventually. And just like what happened with my last relationship, it would be long distance. But the thing with my last relationship is that I didn't know if I'd ever see him again, and Zeek couldn't assure me otherwise. Chris could. He said, why wouldn't you? And I know it's vague, but it's also an answer. 

And I don't know what it is about him, but ever since two years ago, he's always made his way into my thoughts somehow. And we were talking tonight, and he said that there were times that he did like me, but he wasn't sure how I felt. And honestly, I must have been a damn good actor for him not to figure it out. Two years, and I restrained myself because one of my friends liked him too. It does make me a little happy to know that he did like me. And even if we had admitted it to each other back then, I don't think the timing would have been right. Now, I feel like it is. We know more about each other, and he's inspired me to go to new lengths with my traveling and pulled me little by little out of my shell. Even Braunwyn couldn't convince me to do certain things that he has. 

Today, we just talked on Facebook. We talked cars, which I think shocked him a bit. :P And then he told me kitsune legends. Which, I have to say was amazing. He kept building up the suspense, but it was worth it. The story was beautiful, and he said that he has a couple more to tell me too. And I honestly can't wait. I also can't wait to see the pictures that he's taken. Even though he said I looked fine, I am NOT photogenic. So I am interested to see what he can do with those. 

Tomorrow is tomorrow. And a total mystery. What will happen will happen. Even if I do maintain a hopeful smile. :)
And for the record, wading up and down a creek beats dinner and a movie.

Lotsa Lasts and Even More ???

Sadly, the mongolians are leaving tomorrow morning at 3:30 am. I won't be able to say goodbye at the airport. :( I really will miss all of them, because over the past week, they've become my friends. I can't wait to try to go to mongolia, because I hope to see them again. I really really really really really want to go now. So I'm hoping with all I have. For more than one thing. ;) 

Yeah, I'm unsure of where him and I stand. I know how I feel and I know how he feels. But I don't know what's going to happen. Once again, hoping here! 

My writer's block is HORRID! I can't barely write anything good. D: See, my grammer is suffering too. I've gotta get my groove back. lol

Heartachingly Sad and God Blessed Happy

Today was amazing. We spent the day at the zoo with the Mongolians. They're only here for two more days. :( The Navajo leave tomorrow morning. I'll miss them when they go, all of them. 

The best and worst parts of today came later, after we were back at school. Everyone(meaning most of us) were lying under a flowering tree at the front of the school. The petals were falling off, the sun was shining, and I was happy. Lkhavga, Alta, Kayla, Olivia, Katie, and Jason were there. And of course there was Chris and I. It was almost magical, like a kind of heaven. I was lying on the ground and Chris's head was on my stomach. My eyes were closed and it was amazing. Chris would hold my hand at times, and even me.

Enter Jason.

My eyes were closed and I was sitting there soaking in the sun. Chris was near me, which is most of the reason for my happiness. Then Jason kissed me out of the blue, and on the lips. As teenager-y as this sounds, this was a complete violation. I almost felt sick about it, it was that bad. I almost cried because this was only the second kiss I've ever had with a guy. 

The only good thing about this was Chris. He comforted me and didn't let me go until I felt better. He stroked and kissed my hair, held me, held my hand, and kept me from crashing. I don't think he knew how much that meant to me. I never wanted to let go of him to be honest. Chris asked me why I trusted him, and I answered instinct. But there's so much more to it than that, even if it was true. 

Chris has never given me a reason not to trust him. For ages now, no matter how much he jokes, I know that I can trust him. He's never betrayed me, and I don't think he will. I love him and I feel complete when he's with me. And when he isn't, he's in my thoughts. I know that he won't hurt me. And he said he loved me. 

It was beautiful, almost like a fairytale being next to him. The light literally glinted off the side of his face and reflected in his eyes. The petals kept falling and the flowers laid a beautiful background. If I forgot what had happened earlier, this would've been one of the best moments of my life. :) Yes, I'm cheesy.

Oh Here It Comes

So now on the way are the guilt trips. :( He's making all these posts on Facebook that are targeting me, and I know it's me. I know I deserve it too. And I also know that he wants me to respond. But Mom said not to and so I'm taking her advice. I don't want this to end up like my relationship with Matt did. So, I'm probably going to avoid Facebook for a while. Maybe ever. I just don't know... Still, I can't get past the awkward now. I made the call to break up, and so I just don't think it can be the same anymore. Not our friendship, not anything. I wish it didn't work like that. But it does.

Tomorrow I'm going to the Zoo with the mongolian delegation and I'm so excited(and I just can't hide it). It should be wonderfully amazingly fun-i-ficus. I hope! :) Bring on the monkeys! But not the squirrels...lol!

This Happened Before "Well Then"

Wow, I never thought that I would be like this. I really don’t want to be, but I guess I am. I’m not pushing  Chris away, and I’m supposed to be with Zeek. Chris and I have been couple-y all this week, and I don’t think I realized it until Lhkava asked if he was interrupting the couple, and then Jason said not yet. Neither Chris or I responded, and I’m sure that’s because both of us have the capability to think of each other that way. I’ve had a running crush on Chris for two years now, and to be honest, like I said, Zeek and I missed our chance in China. But that’s not an excuse for how I’m acting. I’m a cheater. I hate to admit it, but I am. I didn’t want my palmistry to be right, but I guess it is. I’ve been contemplating break up plans for over a week and a half, even before this spring break started. And I knew this would happen over spring break, but I still did it anyway. I’m not resisting, and I should be! But I can’t! I like Chris way too much, and it hurts. Today before we both went to bed, we embraced. Not hugged, hugged implies under five seconds. No, we stayed like that for at least thirty. And I didn’t want to let go. Then when I walked away, it was like I was saying goodbye. Even though I know I won’t have to say goodbye for two more months at least. I don’t want him to go.

But most of all, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! I really need help. Nonjudgmental, useful, advice, girl talk type help. What should I do?

Well Then

People...Are...Evil...

So I did break up with my boyfriend today for three reasons.

1. I didn't feel the same way anymore.

2. I couldn't see us going anywhere.

3. I had feelings for someone else. 

The guy I think I mentioned in the previous post, yeah...Well. Back in the academy in Arizona, we were up on a different floor and having a dance party, just us kids from our own city. Soon one left, and then the other. Then it was just me, the guy, and one of my friends. She's my Clyde and I'm her Bonnie, lol. Then she left. And it was just me and him. So we sat down and talked. And then there was a movie moment. We heard the door downstairs click shut and that was our only entrance to the school and to the dorms. And we looked at each other and said, 

"Oh, shit." 

So we were locked out for the next half hour, just like in a cheesy movie or in an anime. Yeah...So, we started having an awkward conversation in which we realized that we both like each other. But the timing was horrid. I was still in a relationship. 

People on the trip actually asked if we were a couple and I honestly think it was a sign. Or at least a hint. I don't know how things are going to go, but I know where I want them to go. But I guess I'll see. And that's just life. I feel something with this guy, and I don't know what, well actually I do, and I want to see where this goes. 

I talked to my stepmom about it, and she congratulated me. I wasn't offended, I was incredulous. She said she saw this coming from a mile away. So did my Mom, and my Dad, and my 12 year old sister. As did my friends who were joking about taking bets. Apparently I was the only dense one. 

And I still feel like a cheat, even though my stepmom says that it wasn't a real relationship. I'm guilty as hell. And I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this. Strange but true.

Life...

Is...

Um...

Chaotic.

Well then...
This sucks. 
Argh...
I wish I knew what to do now.

On the Road

So today(3/27/12), I was on the road with the most amazing bunch of people. We were heading down from Colorado to Arizona to meet Mongolian students and teachers. We will meet them tomorrow. But on the way, both today and yesterday, we had so much fun! Or at least I did. Yesterday, I fell into a snowdrift…and I was wearing shorts with sandals. Suffice it to say, it was freezing. They laughed and so did I after a while. But the snow was evil. I think it attacked me. Then later that night, there was a hot tub. Oh yes, a hot tub. A boiling hot tub. I honestly felt like a scalded lobster. Braised, with a dressing of embarrassment. I enjoyed myself though, once my body got used to the temperature. It was nice. Everyone tried to freak me out though, they said that there was a light outside the fence. And I knew that they could;

A.      Be messing with me.

B.      Be truthful.

But honestly, after I found out that I was the only one that couldn’t see it, I knew the answer was A. And earlier that day, we were at the river and I picked up a bunch of pretty rocks from the bottom. One of my friends gave me some too. I almost fell over, and all of us ended up with wet jean bottoms. All in all, fun…but also cold. My feet had to numb up first.

Today was amazing. On the way to Arizona, we kept switching cars. And today, I don’t think there was a car ride I was apart from Chris, one of my friends. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned him or not. One thing is certain though, he’s one of the reasons I’m thinking about “you know what”. I said it two posts ago? -ish? And I did realized what my stepmom and friends have been saying. Chris may tease me bunches, but he’s sweet too in a sense. Under his guise of constant humor, he does care. And yes, he teases me bunches.

He pokes my arm at random intervals, verbally teases me with bunches of innuendos that make me blush instantly, tickling me(that started today), and he stole my marshmallows and my Coca-Cola. I was actually dealing in a game of car poker, and when he stole my soda, I said;

                “Give the dealer back her coke!”

And I thought about it, and I was mortified. That was wrong on so many levels. Now, it’s hilarious.

When we arrived in Arizona, it was sunset. So we went out and looked at it. That’s when hilarity ensued. One of my friends threw a piece of cow dung over his shoulder, and it hit another one of my friends on the trip. J So she literally got hit by flying bullshit! Yeah, we thought that was hilarious. And he’ll never live it down. So gross though.

At dinner we made a list of the most hilarious moments from the trip so far.

1.       Flying Bullshit.

2.       Chris stole Olivia’s soda, and she had a cold.

3.       When I was yelling outside of the fence…yeah, blame the hot tub.

And as for my emotional dilemma, this trip has done just what I thought it would, and just what I was afraid of. It’s making me doubt. It’s making me miss what I don’t have. And I do know that’s greedy. But in the relationship I have right now, I think we missed our chance in China. It took us months after the trip to even get together, and now it’s just words. Not to mention which, we’re at least five states away. I just don’t know anymore. This spring break I’ve realized how nice it is to be close to others, although not as close as some can be. Crushes flaring again…and a relationship that’s kind of doomed to fail. None of this bodes well. And I feel enormously guilty about the entire situation, because anything that happens will be my fault. It will be my fault because I didn’t set up enough boundaries, because I said yes to long distance, and because I covet. I’ve coveted for almost two years now, but I can’t erase this. No matter how hard I try to tell myself that he’s going to graduate, or how much I truly like him, or how close I feel to him. And mom and dad both think that he likes me, and I don’t know what to think. I prayed to whatever higher power exists to send me a sign, and I haven’t seen one yet. So I just don’t know. I will know soon though. I hope…I hope to make the right choices for me. And I hope I don’t break any hearts. And even though I hate to do it, I know I will. And that’s the worst feeling I think exists.