On the Road

So today(3/27/12), I was on the road with the most amazing bunch of people. We were heading down from Colorado to Arizona to meet Mongolian students and teachers. We will meet them tomorrow. But on the way, both today and yesterday, we had so much fun! Or at least I did. Yesterday, I fell into a snowdrift…and I was wearing shorts with sandals. Suffice it to say, it was freezing. They laughed and so did I after a while. But the snow was evil. I think it attacked me. Then later that night, there was a hot tub. Oh yes, a hot tub. A boiling hot tub. I honestly felt like a scalded lobster. Braised, with a dressing of embarrassment. I enjoyed myself though, once my body got used to the temperature. It was nice. Everyone tried to freak me out though, they said that there was a light outside the fence. And I knew that they could;

A.      Be messing with me.

B.      Be truthful.

But honestly, after I found out that I was the only one that couldn’t see it, I knew the answer was A. And earlier that day, we were at the river and I picked up a bunch of pretty rocks from the bottom. One of my friends gave me some too. I almost fell over, and all of us ended up with wet jean bottoms. All in all, fun…but also cold. My feet had to numb up first.

Today was amazing. On the way to Arizona, we kept switching cars. And today, I don’t think there was a car ride I was apart from Chris, one of my friends. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned him or not. One thing is certain though, he’s one of the reasons I’m thinking about “you know what”. I said it two posts ago? -ish? And I did realized what my stepmom and friends have been saying. Chris may tease me bunches, but he’s sweet too in a sense. Under his guise of constant humor, he does care. And yes, he teases me bunches.

He pokes my arm at random intervals, verbally teases me with bunches of innuendos that make me blush instantly, tickling me(that started today), and he stole my marshmallows and my Coca-Cola. I was actually dealing in a game of car poker, and when he stole my soda, I said;

                “Give the dealer back her coke!”

And I thought about it, and I was mortified. That was wrong on so many levels. Now, it’s hilarious.

When we arrived in Arizona, it was sunset. So we went out and looked at it. That’s when hilarity ensued. One of my friends threw a piece of cow dung over his shoulder, and it hit another one of my friends on the trip. J So she literally got hit by flying bullshit! Yeah, we thought that was hilarious. And he’ll never live it down. So gross though.

At dinner we made a list of the most hilarious moments from the trip so far.

1.       Flying Bullshit.

2.       Chris stole Olivia’s soda, and she had a cold.

3.       When I was yelling outside of the fence…yeah, blame the hot tub.

And as for my emotional dilemma, this trip has done just what I thought it would, and just what I was afraid of. It’s making me doubt. It’s making me miss what I don’t have. And I do know that’s greedy. But in the relationship I have right now, I think we missed our chance in China. It took us months after the trip to even get together, and now it’s just words. Not to mention which, we’re at least five states away. I just don’t know anymore. This spring break I’ve realized how nice it is to be close to others, although not as close as some can be. Crushes flaring again…and a relationship that’s kind of doomed to fail. None of this bodes well. And I feel enormously guilty about the entire situation, because anything that happens will be my fault. It will be my fault because I didn’t set up enough boundaries, because I said yes to long distance, and because I covet. I’ve coveted for almost two years now, but I can’t erase this. No matter how hard I try to tell myself that he’s going to graduate, or how much I truly like him, or how close I feel to him. And mom and dad both think that he likes me, and I don’t know what to think. I prayed to whatever higher power exists to send me a sign, and I haven’t seen one yet. So I just don’t know. I will know soon though. I hope…I hope to make the right choices for me. And I hope I don’t break any hearts. And even though I hate to do it, I know I will. And that’s the worst feeling I think exists.